The Anger

I had already been turned away by a lot of researchers. One told me point blank that I wouldn't be able to tell him anything new for another book and he didn't need me. It was very frustrating because my information was all I had to offer in exchange for their help. I didn't have any money, being a single parent. Hell, I still don't have any money.

I just wanted to know the truth of why I was having my dreams, why it was some of my experiences matched alien abduction phenomenon, and how I could remember what I was supposed to have forgotten. I didn't want any healing. I wanted my memory back.

My dream world had transformed completely by this time. There were times I'd spend the entire night listening to music, sometimes music that wasn't released on the radio until a while later. There were times I dreamed of UFOs, of walking, of routine things involving fixing hyper-drive engines. My dreams, like my real life, had settled into a mature monotony seriously lacking zombies, Kodiak bears and dolls. I didn't miss the zombies and bears, but I hadn't seen Jenn since she turned 14 years old. I often wondered about her, although for all intents and purposes she was just a figment of my imagination. I no longer remembered the bright lights in the bus. Or being chased by my dolls.

My friend, who was in a similar boat, and I happened across a researcher who for the sake of this story I'll call Jill.  Jill was very friendly at first, and I was starting to have hope. The three of us would spend hours on the phone, where my friend and I would tell her about ourselves. 

But things just weren't meant to be I guess. "Oh, the music box! Not the music box!" she said to me when I told her about my nights listening to music.  In the course of three days, Jill made her decision. My friend was clearly an abductee, because her dreams were always based on spaceships and she never had anything bad to report. But it was plain to see that I had never been abducted by aliens.
 

So it was through Jill I learned what a MILAB was - a military abductee. I was, according to Jill, one of may average people in the world whose alien abduction experience was faked. I'd never been in a spaceship. I'd never seen an alien. It was all a lie.

Jill educated me further. Apparently the government has people trained to find abductees by reading their auras. Alien abductees have "holes" in their aura that's a dead give away. Abductees will then find themselves abducted by their own government as part of some grand scheme that no one understands but all can agree is happening. 

Furthermore, the government likes to watch for certain souls. Jill wasn't sure I was one of those souls. She just knew there was no way I was an abductee. AS a result, she no longer had an interest in working with me. She only wanted to work with my friend - the abductee in question.

That hurt and made me angry at the same time. (Although now that I think it through I realize wait a damn minute: if I've never been abducted by aliens then how did the government scout determine I was an alien abductee and induct me into the super secret uber program?)