A Strange Defense

To continue my thoughts from the previous post, I don't know if I'd managed to open a stargate or not that day. Considering I was trying to go, once again, to Pern the chances are not. Chances are really high that all I'd managed to do was pour energy into my doorframe and create a nifty visual effect.


With that failed, I turned to other ways to try to escape. My next tactic was to turn myself into a werewolf. LOL. But I guess I'll talk about that later.


There is a mental exercise I will do on occasion - it depends on my mood shift I guess as to whether or not I remember to do it. I figure I probably should do it every night, but most days I'm so exhausted from working or what have you that I just crawl into bed wanting to sleep. (Some day I'll get to work regular hours instead of 12+ and that will happen to me less. Then I shall get to write in this journal more frequently. Woo hoo!)  I want to share this mental exercise with you because if you're built like me, it's a very good step in gaining control of the matrix that has been put into your head. And if you're "at that age" you need to get control or you won't make it to the other side.

When I lay me down to sleep, I mentally speak to the other selves I have in my head. It's not hard. You're preparing to put yourself into that all-important liminal state the handlers need you to be in when they trigger your alters, so it's not that large of a leap to reach out and touch someone. So that's what I do - and it's how they reach out to touch me when they feel they need to. If you learn to listen you can hear them talking to each other (even though I'm told they're not supposed to know each other exists). Sometimes I can catch snippets of conversation - but never enough to make much sense. About half the time I can actually manage to walk into the "between space" and see whose there.

The "between space" is like a brown-floored room. It has no walls except for darkness, and that's where we all go to talk to one another. I've been there a lot of times. When I was younger, I didn't know where I was going but now I understand it a bit better. It's only a bit of shared headspace.

So when I lay down to sleep two nights ago I "spoke" specifically to the one alter I have come to view as the most active and prominent one. She has no name that I know of, but I've called her a lot of things over the years. She's a shapeshifter, a practical joker, very sly and really everything I could have been but was shaped into not being. The white fox. I envy her and her power, so often when I remember to I beseech her to please help me continue assmiliating all of the people into one person with me.  Because I don't want to be split anymore. I want to be one single person, to hold all of my memories, to know where I've been, and to remember it. To genuinely remember it. I view that personal knowledge as the greatest power.

The feeling I've always gotten from her is that it's a good plan (being hers) but she has to assimilate as the very last person. Sometimes I think it's because she's afraid. Sometimes I think it's because she's the one trying to round things up and if she's gone things will stop. Sometimes I just don't know.

While calling to her, I found myself walking into the "between space". As I did, I saw another me already there. She had really long hair and her back was to me. Thin. Man, I wish I were thin like they were.

Someone walked past me. Her hair was long in the style that I wear it but it was an unkempt mess. She wore a beret; a woolen or crocheted one. It had a texture anyway. I think it was brown.  She passed me to my left and walked up to the other girl, who turned to the side a bit to greet her. I still couldn't see the other girl's face. But I saw the newcomer's face. Her eyes were sewed shut. And it wasn't just eyes sewn shut. The eyelids were sewn in these humongous half-moon shapes that basically lined where the skull eye socket would be. It was unnatural looking yet natural at the same time, and her face was lined by... I don't know what. Too much sun. The world. I don't know.

She turned to face me and even though her eyes were sewn shut she could see me, and I knew she could see me. The first girl whispered something into her left ear and left, all without me seeing her face. Newcomer and I faced each other a moment and I'm not sure what happened after that. I walked away or she walked away. Either way I was pushed back out of the between space, which happens when they realize I'm in there, and I was laying in bed with my eyes open.

There is a person in my head that I personified into comics that was a war general. The black peacock, I suppose, although I don't know if she is that particular persona. She is most likely linked the way all alters are in some ways and others.  But this person I've always known was blind. She's fond of alcohol, and her power is brutishly strong. She can kill you by manipulating your body's electric current - but she will only strike in self defense. So I guess of the alter types she's what they call a "defender". Although another word that pops automatically into my head is "the leader".  One of the trinity that makes up the me that is truly me. Or is it 8? 10?

She has no name, and all I can tell you about her is a bunch of feelings and two events when I think it was her that decided to come to the front of the room. The feelings are warlike: angst, power, a desire to flatten cities, a need to put some things to right, a need to follow the plan, a natural inclination to delegate, full expectation to be treated as a queen. Things like that. Most of it is a strength that swells in the bottom of my throat, and when I feel her inside of me I'm driven to research mind control, the source of our problem, learn more about the political environment going on in parts of the world, and to make contact with those "beneath me" for the information they have to give.

Like my trickster, she has come forward many times I am sure. But the two that stick out the most in my mind happened in the past 15 years. The first: a friend had come with her boyfriend and we held what we call "the Black Ritual." It's essential a truth-making ritual involving a bottle of wine that I charged with energy for a while. One person who is in the drinking circle will get hit with the magic and their inner truth will be revealed.

I was living in Jacksonville, Florida at the time. I think it was... 8 years ago? I was the one hit with the truth and even though I've drank more than a bottle of wine before, I blanked out. I remember coming to the front a few times while I cried about being abandoned by people and other things that had been bothering me. I remember keeping my eyes closed because as far as I was concerned, I had no use for them.

With my eyes closed I knew where everyone was, their every movement. My sense were wide open. And my friend insisted on calling me "Malek, Malek, Malek" (she didn't even pronounce it properly, which annoyed the shit out of me) and I finally shouted at her that "Malek" was NOT my name. She asked what was it then but I had no answer for her. Just a blankness inside where a name should be. And I was content with that.

At one point I became concerned for my daughter and needed to know where she was. My friends told me she was in bed, but being as this was my child I had to check on her. So I grounded and centered myself to get enough control to find my child and check on her. I opened my eyes as I pulled in air through my nose to see my friend step back as I did so. Her fear hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd never felt someone's emotion that strong before. I registered it but was not concerned by it. "This person is afraid because I have opened my eyes and they have seen something." So my eyes closed again and I checked on my daughter by walking through the house and down the hall that way. I didn't open them again until I stood by where she was in the bed to fix her blankets.

And that's all I remember of that night.

The other time happened years before that when I was living in New Jersey. I was at a party - an Otherkin party being hosted by one of the prominent social climbers in the group. I was hanging out having a good time, just happy go lucky me, when something in the conversation I was listening to went silent. I don't' know if it was on purpose, but to my best guess a trigger phrase had been said. I felt myself shift immediately.

I was cold, quiet, and wanted nothing to do with the group of people in the room. So I went to a side room and sat in the dark by myself, staring straight forward and waiting. One of the people, the socialite's roommate, got concerned about me and came in there to see how I was doing. I can't remember what he was saying to me. I just remember thinking consciously that I had to give him answers he wanted to hear; things programmed in my mind as the appropriate response to make people think I was actively engaged in the conversation even though I was only running through a program.

He was expressing concern - and I could feel his concern - when he laid his hands on my upper thigh. That was his mistake. I slapped his hand quickly with my right hand like a viper, bringing my hand up as if it were the snake's head that had just struck. I *felt* energy like a stream of electricity leave my hand as I locked onto him in this way. The energy poured into him for about a full minute. Then I slowly put my hand down and resumed my waiting stance.

I kind of remember he apologized. And I kind of remember telling him that it was okay, that I just didn't like to be touched that way. I definitely remember the feeling that no one was allowed to touch me that way. I was above them. I have no way of knowing if someone attached to me like my husband would have been able to tup me or not in that state. I'd like to think so, but that's something to talk about another day.

The roommate went back to the others but after a few minutes he said he didn't feel well and went upstairs to lay down. That's the last time I ever saw him. About an hour or two later someone went upstairs to check on him and called for an ambulance because the roommate was having or had a heart attack.

He lived. But that's all I know about it.

It could all be coincidence. I don't know. But these are the things I was reminded when I did my contact exercise. These are memories that would otherwise be lost. Pieces to the overall puzzle.

On the existence of past lives

One of the big questions I have right now is, "Are my past lives really real?"

As a Butterfly I've been lied to. I've had an entire history stuffed into my brain that I never truly experienced. I've had memories twisted to make them just enough truth to be solid with just enough lies to carry their training home. And I came out of it wondering what was real and what wasn't - for the biggest thing to me, to anyone who understands how things work the way I seem to do, it's essential to remember that you are the sum of your memories and experiences.

As I've mentioned here before, this means a lot I once believed in has been set aside. I have a plethora of past life memories I now hold suspect. This morning I woke up remembering not a past life, but the time when I was about five years old and my friend's older "brother" molested us both in the woods between our houses. She liked it. She wanted more. I bit his dick in my small child passive way. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to play with mud and climb trees. I still would prefer to get dirty and climb trees.

I used to hold a ritual every year and friends would come to it. But one friend betrayed me and undermined everything I'd worked for. It wasn't the first time that had happened, but it was the final straw. I dissolved everything and walked away. It's been a few years since then.

I decided to try again this year, but to keep it small as I wasn't thinking of anything more than a small friendly thing. As always the energies began to align themselves - for our thoughts and intents are very powerful - and people began to come to me. Past life professionals. Priests. Etc.

And my friend betrayed me again - she made other plans and talked about rescheduling for a later time. I realized today that it's going to be too cold this winter for that other time. So I'll hold the ritual by myself and walk the path alone - as no one I know will ever have the fortitude to walk with me to the end. Or to keep from greedily wanting to sit in my place.

And interestingly the past lives have been brought up again. The professional did a search and found a couple I remember. She said she was my husband and my wife during those time but alas - I am married to the being that was my husband or my wife all those times if my own past life memories are true. And his personality quirks are exactly the same as I reminisced to friends all those years waiting for him to find me again. He hasn't changed a damn iota, frustrating as it can be sometimes.

I am told that souls will live more than one life at exactly the same time. So while you are here, now, reading this blog you are also a small boy in Siberia freezing his toes off. I don't believe that. It amazes me how people will take one tiny facet of knowledge - the existence of these past lives - and forget about how we touch memory pockets as a racial standard and do often find ourselves exchanging ideas and feelings.

You can argue all you like about how time isn't really linear, how everything is actually happening all at the same time, blah blah blah. This is true. It is also true that time is shaped like a helix, a spiral - as is most important things in the universe; the true shape of chaos. In order to jump from one moment of time to another you don't think to yourself "I will go to the same moment that happened a year ago today" and step sideways. A part of you must plot which angle to go, where that point in the spiral is, where to step into lets you try to co-exist something else at the exact same time and explode. There are people who go on and on about how the universe is a hologram and thus it's an illusion.

But understand what a hologram really is. And get to know the rest of the story. The world is a hologram in that we see by light bouncing off of real SOLID EXISTING objects. Our eyes capture that light. And the REAL SOLID EXISTING objects are basically hard light in a sense while being in a sense something else. It's a hologram because it's makeup remains what it truly is while we interpret that makeup in our minds through our own perspective, skewing the truth enough for us to understand. It's real. It's there. The places with in the various dimensions that make it up like space and time are real and they're there in their place while co-existing at the same time. The universe is only one layer while being a hundred thousand million different layers all at once - and it just doesn't have to be so complicated. All you have to remember is you are you and time is time and although you're within it, you're not it.

YOU are not "time". You are a tiny mote in the great framework of the universe, and if you have the power to time travel (and we all do) then  you have the power to live linearly yourself. I myself, I know for a fact, prefer to remain what I like to call "Orange juice concentrate" - meaning I keep my soul being very small like a tiny firefly. I insist on living linearly - I remember the past. I know what happened in the past. I dislike a lot about the past. I choose not to live in the past as it were. I have strong memories that do that for me. I live in them when I wish to make a visit.

Because of how I choose to be, I can fly very fast, am the fastest in the cosmos. I like to sleep in stars or meditate for ages - it's very relaxing - and if pushed my tiny size packs one hell of a wallop.

I wasn't a nice person once. I will always find it amusing when I go to sessions (on the super rare times I can afford them) and the guide's expression changes as they first try to struggle with why I'd want to remember, why I did the things I did, the pain THEY feel from touching it if they go into places they shouldn't ought without permission, and wonder why it is I'm here suffering the way I do when I long ago paid my dues in full.  It's an interesting phenomenon of the human condition for me.

And someday someone will do more than wonder and drop it and I will have some more of the answers I seek here.  Which I think is what most of us desire most of all.

If, mind you, past lives are real.

I Stand Unafraid

When people hear parts of my story, they almost always say, "What a nightmare for you! I'm so sorry!"

Well, not being able to pay my bills and hold down a regular job is and was a nightmare. Losing my children when I did everythign I could do provide for them and keep them from harm's way was a hellish nightmare. This? This quest for truth.

I... just don't view it as a nightmare. Interesting? Oh yes, there is that. Scarey? I dunno. I'm not scared by it. If I were I'd be doing like so many people out there and just rejecting stuff entirely.  You know the people I'm talking about. I guess my thirst for understanding on the whole thing - to know what the truth really is - outweighs any fear.  Now, stick me in the room with a malevolent ghost and I'm gonna be scared. And I'm definitely scared of what's in the dark. But this situation? It's a mystery. It needs to be unraveled.

The answer is neither completely in science nor completely in spirituality. They really are two sides of the same coin. What one person calls levitation magic another person calls telekinesis. What one person calls the High Sidhe another calls the Pleiadians. It's all in the power of perspective. It is my belief that the perfect balance is the ability to take that coin, set it on its side, and balance yourself on the edge. And then I could go into a lot of imagery about how the coin can spin, and the whole of universal matter and time is wrapped in a spinning spiral that - once mastered - can lead you to anywhere. But... meh.

It is actually a matter of some frustration to me that a lot of people don't get it. I have had people get very angry at me for the way I see the world. I had one person tell me I would never find the truth and never be able to heal myself because I wasn't willing set my logic aside. I had another - ironically a preacher - tell me to stop looking for signs and portents. I used to flit from researcher and priest, around and around, desperately seeking someone who could connect with me inbetween. No one could or would - whichever doesn't matter.