On the existence of past lives

One of the big questions I have right now is, "Are my past lives really real?"

As a Butterfly I've been lied to. I've had an entire history stuffed into my brain that I never truly experienced. I've had memories twisted to make them just enough truth to be solid with just enough lies to carry their training home. And I came out of it wondering what was real and what wasn't - for the biggest thing to me, to anyone who understands how things work the way I seem to do, it's essential to remember that you are the sum of your memories and experiences.

As I've mentioned here before, this means a lot I once believed in has been set aside. I have a plethora of past life memories I now hold suspect. This morning I woke up remembering not a past life, but the time when I was about five years old and my friend's older "brother" molested us both in the woods between our houses. She liked it. She wanted more. I bit his dick in my small child passive way. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to play with mud and climb trees. I still would prefer to get dirty and climb trees.

I used to hold a ritual every year and friends would come to it. But one friend betrayed me and undermined everything I'd worked for. It wasn't the first time that had happened, but it was the final straw. I dissolved everything and walked away. It's been a few years since then.

I decided to try again this year, but to keep it small as I wasn't thinking of anything more than a small friendly thing. As always the energies began to align themselves - for our thoughts and intents are very powerful - and people began to come to me. Past life professionals. Priests. Etc.

And my friend betrayed me again - she made other plans and talked about rescheduling for a later time. I realized today that it's going to be too cold this winter for that other time. So I'll hold the ritual by myself and walk the path alone - as no one I know will ever have the fortitude to walk with me to the end. Or to keep from greedily wanting to sit in my place.

And interestingly the past lives have been brought up again. The professional did a search and found a couple I remember. She said she was my husband and my wife during those time but alas - I am married to the being that was my husband or my wife all those times if my own past life memories are true. And his personality quirks are exactly the same as I reminisced to friends all those years waiting for him to find me again. He hasn't changed a damn iota, frustrating as it can be sometimes.

I am told that souls will live more than one life at exactly the same time. So while you are here, now, reading this blog you are also a small boy in Siberia freezing his toes off. I don't believe that. It amazes me how people will take one tiny facet of knowledge - the existence of these past lives - and forget about how we touch memory pockets as a racial standard and do often find ourselves exchanging ideas and feelings.

You can argue all you like about how time isn't really linear, how everything is actually happening all at the same time, blah blah blah. This is true. It is also true that time is shaped like a helix, a spiral - as is most important things in the universe; the true shape of chaos. In order to jump from one moment of time to another you don't think to yourself "I will go to the same moment that happened a year ago today" and step sideways. A part of you must plot which angle to go, where that point in the spiral is, where to step into lets you try to co-exist something else at the exact same time and explode. There are people who go on and on about how the universe is a hologram and thus it's an illusion.

But understand what a hologram really is. And get to know the rest of the story. The world is a hologram in that we see by light bouncing off of real SOLID EXISTING objects. Our eyes capture that light. And the REAL SOLID EXISTING objects are basically hard light in a sense while being in a sense something else. It's a hologram because it's makeup remains what it truly is while we interpret that makeup in our minds through our own perspective, skewing the truth enough for us to understand. It's real. It's there. The places with in the various dimensions that make it up like space and time are real and they're there in their place while co-existing at the same time. The universe is only one layer while being a hundred thousand million different layers all at once - and it just doesn't have to be so complicated. All you have to remember is you are you and time is time and although you're within it, you're not it.

YOU are not "time". You are a tiny mote in the great framework of the universe, and if you have the power to time travel (and we all do) then  you have the power to live linearly yourself. I myself, I know for a fact, prefer to remain what I like to call "Orange juice concentrate" - meaning I keep my soul being very small like a tiny firefly. I insist on living linearly - I remember the past. I know what happened in the past. I dislike a lot about the past. I choose not to live in the past as it were. I have strong memories that do that for me. I live in them when I wish to make a visit.

Because of how I choose to be, I can fly very fast, am the fastest in the cosmos. I like to sleep in stars or meditate for ages - it's very relaxing - and if pushed my tiny size packs one hell of a wallop.

I wasn't a nice person once. I will always find it amusing when I go to sessions (on the super rare times I can afford them) and the guide's expression changes as they first try to struggle with why I'd want to remember, why I did the things I did, the pain THEY feel from touching it if they go into places they shouldn't ought without permission, and wonder why it is I'm here suffering the way I do when I long ago paid my dues in full.  It's an interesting phenomenon of the human condition for me.

And someday someone will do more than wonder and drop it and I will have some more of the answers I seek here.  Which I think is what most of us desire most of all.

If, mind you, past lives are real.

I Stand Unafraid

When people hear parts of my story, they almost always say, "What a nightmare for you! I'm so sorry!"

Well, not being able to pay my bills and hold down a regular job is and was a nightmare. Losing my children when I did everythign I could do provide for them and keep them from harm's way was a hellish nightmare. This? This quest for truth.

I... just don't view it as a nightmare. Interesting? Oh yes, there is that. Scarey? I dunno. I'm not scared by it. If I were I'd be doing like so many people out there and just rejecting stuff entirely.  You know the people I'm talking about. I guess my thirst for understanding on the whole thing - to know what the truth really is - outweighs any fear.  Now, stick me in the room with a malevolent ghost and I'm gonna be scared. And I'm definitely scared of what's in the dark. But this situation? It's a mystery. It needs to be unraveled.

The answer is neither completely in science nor completely in spirituality. They really are two sides of the same coin. What one person calls levitation magic another person calls telekinesis. What one person calls the High Sidhe another calls the Pleiadians. It's all in the power of perspective. It is my belief that the perfect balance is the ability to take that coin, set it on its side, and balance yourself on the edge. And then I could go into a lot of imagery about how the coin can spin, and the whole of universal matter and time is wrapped in a spinning spiral that - once mastered - can lead you to anywhere. But... meh.

It is actually a matter of some frustration to me that a lot of people don't get it. I have had people get very angry at me for the way I see the world. I had one person tell me I would never find the truth and never be able to heal myself because I wasn't willing set my logic aside. I had another - ironically a preacher - tell me to stop looking for signs and portents. I used to flit from researcher and priest, around and around, desperately seeking someone who could connect with me inbetween. No one could or would - whichever doesn't matter.

So We Don't Meet Again

Springmeier is out of jail - if it weren't for his books I wouldn't know what little I do about things. Yet, I've never read past an excerpt here and there for all I've owned his books for years. I got them while he was still in prison, but it was my husband who read things for me. It was my husband who had told me about the Black Princess programming.

And it was learning about the Black Princess programming that made me understand that although I had not been lying when I had told people I was a princess yet a slave in another life, or that I was a reincarnation and an avatar of an old persona - I wasn't telling the truth either. The perspective was skewed by the lack of that all important bit of knowledge: just what it was that I was remembering.

Black Princess programming: she's a deep, buried personality in Flutterbies. When the Flutterby's carefully built matrix is tampered with or damaged, she awakens from her tortured slumber from where she was bitten by spiders and tormented by the lack of her eternal mate. Her job: to restore the mind, delete damaged or traitorous personae, and restore loyalty to the program. Her foremost thought, to find her lover.

It's a very painful process to endure. I don't recommend it.

So in my opened eye as the Black Princess - the Black Peacock was a title I took for myself internally - I saw the world as rightfully mine. Somewhere out there was my husband, the only man in the universe who knew how to be my handler - who could handle me like a animal trainer with his animals - while at the same time being my peer and lover. I was affixed as the separated center of a political world of strict laws that could only be worked around with loopholes. On one side there was a council of 12 elderly men who I spoke with on important matters of certain persuasions. On the other side there was a council of 7. And in the center, behind me, were the three who were my closest. I could direct what I wanted from the world and it would be done.

I wanted caustic leaders in the army reviewed and removed. It was implemented.
I wanted better grooming standards. It was implemented.
I wanted my husband, and he had to be a certain way. "Do things this way," the three told me. And, it was implemented.
I wanted. I wanted. I wanted. It was implemented.

And I enjoyed it - I confess I still would and possibly do. I ponder the state of the world, and I rail against what I feel is wrong. I have a sense of how things "should be" in my nostrils, and if the world is truly my oyster then I want to polish it right. As if I woke up tomorrow to discover I had super powers and a nifty pair of tights.

I know Springmeier is out of jail because I happened across a recent interview with him on Youtube the other day. I watched it for a while. One of his books is being reprinted, and the interview was to hype it up.

I have that book, so I loaded it onto my Nook and went to the pool to begin reading it. I didn't get very far. The book started talking about how Lucifer was supposed to be crowned at the turn of the last century. About councils of 12. Of families and things my innards know and know well.

My crowning happened in various way: they were ascensions. At the turn of the century I believed I was Lucifer - of course now I know much more about that legend and know it in itself is a false front for something deeper and... shinier - and I was having nightmares every night. I was getting attacked in my dreams by a group of people.

I lived in Bayonne, New Jersey at the time. There was one dream I remember in which the redhead who was the leader tried to draw me into a dark area. I told her she'd never trick me nor fool me into walking into her trap.

That weekend at a party, I met the redhead in the flesh. I was shocked.

But I was amused to learn she and her friends had formed a group to destroy Lucifer - they'd gotten the psychic sense that he was nearby and they'd been attacking him by ritual every night.

True story. I swear.

So by general agreement of the ignorant, I am Lucifer. The false front for a shinier story.

And the "astral" event I went through that year was a tribunal, a review of my life. A trial. To see if I was worthy. It was very stressful. If I failed it I would die in the real world.

But I didn't think of that while watching Springmeier's interview. Instead I remembered my scant attempts to contact him or his companions for help in remembering, in understanding what was in my head. Springmeier never responded to my letter. His friend responded but was very plain that I had to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and be reprogrammed. My quest for knowledge, taking things slow, making sure of what I wanted - none of that meant anything to them.

When Springmeier mentioned how people would come to him all of the time for help but he couldn't always help individually... I said to myself, "Well. Hopefully they didn't bother him too much."

They have firm and strong beliefs. They wish to be like Jesus. But I have already expressed how I feel about the role of structured religion in the programming process.