Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I had a dream the other night that I went to a mansion; wandered up the long walk past the growing green trees and across the great lawn. I was accepted therein, which was fine for I was without destination nor even a place to hang my head. I was a young person, albeit myself, and I had been to this very place in dreams before throughout this body's lifespan. So I walked through familiar rooms serving this or doing that; neither an employee of the house nor master nor even guest. The young people came to the front door: Cas and a score of blond college students. I had opened the door to their knock to politely let them in, but when I saw Cas in formal attire (cumberbun as well; silk and dark gray-black with touches of white) I turned my face away in cold disdain. I did not give them the door then, and they had to let themselves in. I would not serve these people who had the nerve to expect it of me. I wandered through secret passageways: out of the lake-bordered back yard and into a little door hidden behind brick and cobbelstone. The butler showed that to me in a kind way; look at this. So I went inside and down a tiny dark hall to a little hidden room where someone lived. There were silk pillows and silk lanterns, but the old man that dwelled there I cannot remember now. I wandered out of there from curiosity and to my delight, the secret inside door was next to the pantry door. I wondered perhaps there was a secret within the cellar-pantry as well, so I opened the little white door with the golden curved door handle. There was a dog inside, and it resembled a red and white shepherd breed. It looked at me and I it. It's sharp knife intelligence probed towards me as if to ask who I was. And perhaps I would have answered for by then I was having the usual dialogue with myself as the wiser, suppressed parts gave me information. The problem is that the butler came and asked me to do something, so my attention was drawn away from the fabulous find. I walked away without shutting the pantry door. A little later in the dream - I cannot remember when - I realized that the dog was Fenris. There was to be a wedding, and it would happen in the backyard by the lake. Lindsey was in the wedding dress, and the college kids gathered around her. Cas was on the fringe, not really belonging as is his damnable due. Again I turned my back and gave them a cold sentence; I would not serve them in this either. I walked away towards the little door. Or perhaps the wedding scene happened BEFORE I released Fenris. I am none too sure. There is an old wive's tale that to dream of a wedding is to foretell of a funeral. Vice versa should you dream of a funeral. During the rare times I have dreamed of weddings and funerals in detail, this has proven to be so for me. At any rate, yesterday was my first official hypnotherapy session. Ami-chan was kind enough to guide me. It struck me as very very much like the one time I went to a past life regression, and so I consider that I can experiment to do so for myself in the future. The sessions were taxing for Ami-chan, I suspect, and it was difficult for me due to distractions and insecurity - not of myself but that others would see those secrets I harbor. The first session was clear enough - more clear than anything I had ever been to before. I saw mountains, but the entire time Kausha had been making fun of Ami-chan so I ended up shouting at the sprite to hush. The second time, Ami-chan used what she called the elevator method, but when she called upon me to step into that elevator my mind realized that I wasn't sure what an elevator should look like. So I stood before a dumbwaiter or perhaps an elevator from the old days. The top where the doors would be was decorated with intricate gingerbread lattice work, but the room when it came up was of pure white light. It kept going. Then it came up again and kept going. And came up again and kept going. Finally I took a stick and jammed it still so I could crawl inside. Inside there was supposed to be five buttons: G, for the ground floor where I stood. A for the first floor, then B, then C, and finally D which would take me to my personal inner Akashik library where I could read the life I have been struggling to regain. She said for me to hit the A button and rather than go up the elevator took me down. The doors opened and I faced an underground car parking lot... only it was dark and filthy with dirt on the walls. There were cobwebs everywhere, and I knew fear. The other part of myself - she who is separate and possibly the true body's owner - said, "I hope she doesn't expect us to get out here." I was half tempted to step out because my fear, to me, meant that this was where I needed to go. But Ami-chan directed me to go to the B floor. I did and the doors opened to brilliant blue-green ocean water. This is the third time a session has presented deep sea water, and still yet I've no clue what it could mean. The C floor was a wind-blown desert with high sandy dunes and dry air. While going up to D, the great eye of Metatron greeted me. His eye was blue this time, and it wasn't that he was saying no so much as he "stood" in my way. I flew up to him and asked him to move aside, and after a tiny argument the eye became glass as if to a window. I looked beyond and there... was the Fishbowl. I hovered over the Fishbowl and beheld the most beautiful aerial view of the place. I could see the tiny seats and the blue panels. And I thought, "Oh! So it's BLUE!" - for when rollercoasting I do not see any color but barely made out shapes and never any sound. That was when I realized that I was no longer hypnotised but had floated onto a rollercoast; a far seeing adventure. After a while we tried again. Ami-chan tried the door method that time; there are doors that lead to all the lives and parts of your life you need to know. You know which door to pick. And yes I did. I stood in the great underground chamber of the kingdom of the Lizard folk; the great round area and faced grey double doors decorated on top with curly engravings. And then I noticed all the doors around me. The room was huge and as I turned slowly I beheld hundreds and hundreds of little wooden doors side by side with barely a foot between them. So many doors I told Ami-chan... and that was when Choshu made sound behind my left shoulder. I, who was vulnerable in that moment, probed the energy there and saw a pretty shiny dwarf axe engraved with hearts: my interpration of her signature. And so, with an axe behind me, the mood was split again. We tried one more time after that by trying to go directly in. And so I stood on the mountain I had originally almost reached when I yelled at Kausha. It was a field of flowers, and upon behelding their spikey white petals I was afraid of what I was going to remember. These flowers, I also knew, no longer grew here on this world. I walked forward and the sharp leaves cut my right knee. I was small; the flowers reached up just to my thighs. And I wore a woolen dress akin to a 11th century peasant gown. It was faded brown. There was something like a blanket over a rope or perhaps a makeshift tent. The cloth was thick thick wool and I could see it. But nothing more. The need to conquer the fear wells up in me even now.