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Saturday, December 27, 2008


This happened two nights ago. During the hours that I lately have started to lay awake, unable to even get tired much less sleep, the Council on High came to me. I was wide awake; this was not a dream. There were about four this time who came to talk. I cannot remember what the topic was, but one was a man. He wanted me to do something or was against something; I do not know what it was. He had a small young female aide whose presence I could feel but being as I could not see them (they were telepathic contacts to the mind only) I could not tell you much about her. I can't remember who the fourth person was even if they were there. The third person was a woman who stood by my side as he talked. They debated as I listened. I was a little annoyed that they were bothering me at that time and told them to go away. The man said something in an irritated tone, and the woman said, "He is working with a certain program that you are dealing with." So I lay there, you know, wondering what the fuck program was that. -_- They should be more specific. Apparently pure lucidity is not enough. There should be floggings to ensure complete cooperation as well.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


So I and Choshu got in touch with a little UFO researcher in Alabama. She's not writing a book or anything. She's very informative.... ... and has decided that Choshu needs regression and I need reprogramming. -_- Anyway. I was trying to fall asleep last night (I haven't been sleeping at night lately.. or hardly in the day for that matter) and was thinking about how the researcher asked Choshu if she had had her dolls come to life on her as a child but had not asked me that. Then I started to recall all the nightmares I had with my dolls and with that, of course, I started to remember other things I had totally forgotten about. I had night fears as a child, you see. Big time night fears. I was afraid of my room, afraid of the dark, afraid of shadows... I had been that way since I was small and had had a dream. I don't remember the dream very well. I do remember that as I lay there with my eyes closed the way a child does a woman's voice whispered to me "Whatever you do, do NOT open your eyes. Whatever you do, do NOT open your eyes." So I opened my eyes and saw the head of a "burglar", to which I screamed bloody murder. This burglar was shaped sort of like the Hamburglar; you know with that big head? And I only saw his silhouette. And that's when I developed night fears. And if asked I probably couldn't tell you what I was afraid of. I just was terrified. Our family was poor, so poor that our trailer was repossessed. My father was always a very resourceful man, being highly intelligent, so he got an old school bus and built it into a little home. Later on when we were doing better and had bought another trailer, the Bus because my and my older brother's bedroom; split by a wall in the middle. I hated going out there more than anything. I would hang there during the day, but at night Dad would have to threaten physical violence to get me to go bed. He didn't understand how frightened I was; and believe you me I was terrified. Because at night my dolls would move on me and they would even be in different positions when I woke up. I had one doll that was a little larger than a toddler. I loved her but after a while I thought she hated me and could perceive hatred in her plastic eyes. I woke up one time - I swear to you - with her standing by the bed coming to kill me. That's what I thought! But the two dreams that clinched my fear were the ones of the bright light descending down around the trailer and coming through the door as I screamed in terror and the other dream of being in a white place on a white table like bed with blowing white cloth all around me while the dolls stood around me to do things to me. There was one other dream I thought of from all those years ago, but I can't remember it very well. It was something to do with world domination? And I was doing something... but when I woke up my brother told me he had been playing Pink Floyd as a mind experiment on me. -_- My brother was also very intelligent, you see. My brother also used to have a mental companion he called Miya Kiyana - which meant "life death" - who taught me about how some of his people came to this planet via a special machine that would send your soul out. And how sometimes there's more than one version of the same soul because they ended up split. Miya Kiyana himself was split by having to pass through a star on the way here. And he taught me about flyfighters and also could remember when my homeworld fell. And would have me find "others" (because that was my talent) in order to group them. Then would have me excluded once my part was over. My brother was arrested and thrown in prison after another eventful time that doesn't belong in this particular topic but DOES involve MIB and then he was thrown into federal prison. After that, my brother told me, Miya Kiyana went away. And he can't remember how childhood hardly at all. I'm just a sister to him these days, and not really someone close I suppose. Anyway, the point is that it should take a researcher helping me to bounce these memories out... Not anger that I've been blown off by yet another assumption. Growl. I had a dream last night that I was Haruhi finally confessing to Tamaki. He was speechless and hugged me.. and someone woke me up.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

dream, MILAB

I had a dream the other night that I was writing something on my computer. It was a letter to someone else but I used a racial slur - except that I spelled the racial slur wrong. The important part here is that throughout the dream I was filled with feelings. I had to let go of the slurs, I told myself, because that was why I had not attained avatarhood yet. -_- I know the point behind the dream, but damn if I want to shave my head and tattoo myself with a giant blue arrow. A department with the Council on High came forward to me 2 nights ago just as I had barely laid my head on the pillow. They didn't even wait for proper protocols, and the snot-nosed young ladies (about 18 years old and blond, was the leader... wearing red) plead that I reconsider the most recent firing of their department head. I had decided that person would be fired here in the waking world because, well, I am sick and tired of glory hounds and people who can't swallow that lump of fear or get over themselves long enough to get anything done. I told the little petitioners, when I realized why I was being annoyed in my waking waiting-to-go-to-sleep state, that the woman had my phone number. She had ways to show me she was serious. It had been months. If she could prove me otherwise, I'd reconsider. They went away without another word.... but I still had trouble falling asleep. Grrrr. When I finally fell asleep, I went places. Maybe physically like some abductee. Who can say. I was boarding the underground train and I had 2 male guards. I mistook them for Mike and Redwood. I was lucid enough to remember my daily life. I turned to the Mike guard and said, "I have to go to work now." Very brightly, because announcing it just seemed like the thing to do. "I beg your pardon?" the guy said. "I have to go to work now," I repeated, and then boarded the train car. I remember the sides of the train were grey, and inside the car was dark. I must have come home early, because later I was having a legitimate dream. I can't recall much of it. Something about a smoky grey cat.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


I can't remember all that was happening, but it was a large place almost like an open market. I had come there for one reason or another, and there was a young girl there. I didn't know who she was in the dream but now that I am awake it seems to be that she was a new friend's wife. Her name is Merle and I call him Beardguy. I walked her down a brown aisle that had a long rug. She was getting married and as her only friend I was giving her away. The music played and swelled and I taught her how to march. This is not good.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

dream, vision

there was this holy grail and a lady and a lake and cup and a knight and golden fish and venice and I'll describe it as soon as I get internet connection b/c choshu is describing this for me. thats it this is just a reminder for me to put this in here and give choshu a raise. and a broken wedding ring. EDIT: Well, Choshu can't get a raise because she didn't ask for it. She just put a hint here. That's unprofessional so she can forget it. =^-^= Earlier in the night I dreamed that someone stole my video cameras. I was upset. I woke up at about 2 am and tossed and turned for about an hour and a half. I don't even remember relaxing enough to fall asleep again. The second dream started in the city on the water; the one like Venice that I dream about often. It's always the same city and I'm always passing through or in some sort of trouble. This time the dream was set like a movie, and I would switch in and out from being the feminine hero and the watcher. The feminine hero was a thin Caucasian woman with long, black curly hair. She looked like I used to look during the "Dark Ages", back when I used to pray to Mother Mary for release from an arranged marriage. I have a faint memory of wearing (or the heroine wearing) a white skirt that was layered. It was a pretty skirt. As she/I traveled around, there would be people she/I would meet that were hurt or needed help. Each time she/I would rip off a bit of the skirt to make a makeshift bandage or something. The skirt got more and more tattered as the dream went on. There was a street vendor who had an empty wooden cart. He had a wedding and engagement ring set that he sold to me. I put them on my finger where my rings are in real life and forgot about them. I'm not sure how it happened, but a knight dressed in armor from the early Dark Ages picked me up and carried me through the sky to a grassy place with a clear lake. The water in the lake was crystal clear; pure with no algae or anything. Even the dirt alongside the lake bank seemed clean. The grass was soft and very green. I couldn't really see the terrain much farther than that, not that I tried. The knight had dark hair which was cut short and a beard. He was big-boned and not necessarily muscular, but he certainly wasn't a wimp either. His armor was darkest brown; leather I should think. That's how I'm thinking I can place the era. After the 12th century the armor got a bit more fancy and expensive. He sat me on a pedestal that was by the lake. It was like a bar stool, but it was a pedestal. She/I sat prettily in my tattered skirt as he began to talk to me about things. I can't recall all that he said, but I do remember that his voice was like Sean Connery's. His final statement was, "You need to find my golden cup." And beside him over his shoulder was an image of a plain goblet that someone had dipped in gold. As the knight talked to me I looked at my wedding ring set. The ring was a simple small gold band; very old. It looked like beaten gold alloys that one recovers from an archaeological dig. It was breaking, too, in two places. I worried that it was going to fall apart at any minute. Then I was being woke up from where I slept by the side of the lake by my travel partner. I'm not sure where he came from, just that he had found me from far away. He had sun-bleached blond hair that would have been brown if left out of the sun. He was very pretty, the way a movie star is supposed to be. He wanted to know if I was okay, but she/I was very distressed upon waking. "I'm supposed to have a harem!" she/I proclaimed. He said incredulously, "WHAT?!!?" Imagine being the possible movie love interest and the girl says something like that. She, as I watched, went into a tirade as she began ripping the final ruffle off of her skirt. It was down to the under slip now; the thin cloth that's almost see-through that is normally used as an underlining on fancy skirts like that. (The skirt, now that I ponder it, was a gypsy skirt pattern.) She ranted as she ripped, "I've been doing it all wrong. I was supposed to die as a cardinal, but now I see I've got it all wrong." She ripped and ripped and pulled and I remarked, "Is she going to have any skirt left?" A presence that was watching this with me sent waves of disapproval at my sarcasm. Properly reprimanded, I fell silent. The woman bunched the strip of cloth into her arms and jumped backwards into the clear lake. I saw her jump in from the bottom of the lake; her back splashed in. Then I was her again as my back bumped against a clear box that was in the lake. It was a force field, and I turned in the water to look down at the dry protected lake bottom. "What do you want with my lake?" a voice demanded. For some reason I pictured the voice's owner to be a small yellow fish. "This is my lake, and I've got the force field on. You can't come in here." Somehow I ended up on the side of the lake standing next to the partner guy. I talked to the little fish, trying to bargain. "Please let me go down there and fix the force field machine." (or something like that.) "Why?" the fish wanted to know. "It already rained once today, and it's working fine." I knew that what the fish was talking about was that the machine controlled the weather to make it rain regularly every day. "Yes," I said, "but I need it to rain twice so that I can someone everyone after 15 years." That's when I woke up. And yes, I did check my wedding rings. The dream was so seeped into my head I was reminded that my real wedding ring looks nothing like the band in the dream. This was an important dream. It wasn't until I was in the shower that I realized I'd been told to search for the Holy Grail of all fucking things. And the lady of the lake was a male yellow fish. Go figure.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

dream, vision

I am in the middle of a move from Florida to Illinois right now. This was a vision had while in a hotel. Saraen and Rebecca were with me in the other bed. I wasn't asleep. I was laying there *trying* to go back to sleep, but I was also thinking. You see recently I spoke with an oracle who also turned out to serve the Fishbowl. Like all the rest, she warned me to lay low because my life was in danger. -_- I was considering this and imagiining a conversation with Saraen. I do that a lot; imagine conversations. It's like a simulator in my head. Suddenly Saraen said to me, "Blue, I want you to bond with me." She grabbed my fright hand, and I could feel it in this vision. I jerked my hand away and said, "Bond with what?" because this upset and startled me. Suddenly all was blackness and in the blackness there was an old circlet: one of the old old ones you can only find in memory. The metal was flat and there were no decorations, as it must be. It was very shiny. I studied the gleams and curvatures for a minute before realizing what was going on. So I sat up in bed and chewed Saraen out. LOL. She was so confused.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I guess I wanted to watch an anime in my sleep, so I told myself a story. One minute I was the young girl living on the houseboat with her large family, the other minute I was watching the show. Most of it was in English. She fell in love with her first boyfriend,who was Japanese, but their parents did not approve the match. So they took him away in their own boat and she was left without him, but she did not grieve. Time moved forward by months suddenly so that once she was think, suddenly she was 8 or 9 months pregnant. I can't recall how it happened, but some people came over. They had photos of the spirits around them; fire spirits. They weren't angry but they were interested in her and kept coming at her. The family was playing karaoke in the very large family room. She went up, grabbed the mic, and began to rap in Japanese. "genki desu genki desu"... and I can't remember the rest, but it sounded fluent whatever it was. And its okay cuz I had subtitles to read. =6-^= And then they were climbing out on some sort of fire escape and it fell. And everyone marveled at the bright red shiny "genki shoes" on top. They couldn't figure out who it belonged to. No was was hurt. I wondered why it had happened.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Reptilian visit, dream

As no one really knows, I'm the main artist and writer for www.akashikonline.com. This is a comic where I put in a lot of heavy information and material while making fun of the universe at the same time. It's great because my teammates are awesome in their parts; be it art, lettering or helping me write funny things. Anyway, I was drawing nagas for the next page. Only I was really tired and really loopy. So somehow the naga ended up having a snake puppet on his right hand. That was when I said, "OK. Too sleepy for this. I go bed now." My ritual, because this is not my house, is to make sure lights are off. If a light has to be on for people to see by I pick the dimmest, most efficient one. But usually I turn off all of the lights. However last night I was too tired so chose the light and made it a point that it was the only light on. My cell phone, which had been in use, had half of a battery left. So I did not plug it in. So. The inquisition began. Only it wasn't an inquisition so much as a discussion as I, to the Reptilian who had come to visit, discussed the nagas. And how the nagas in my brain were not cooperating by coming out onto the paper right. And how sock puppets were not my plan. He (it was a male, definiitely... I just rather knew it.) and I discussed this via mental telepathy, although I did most of the talking. The subject of Reptilians came up, and I discussed how I wanted to at least get them *right*. While he and I were talking, I studied his physique and clothing. I could see all of the knots and natural ridges a Reptilian naturally has. His leathery skin was a nice olive green-yellow. His arms were longer than a humans, but he was very humanoid. His eyes had no whites. They were black. His bumps and ridges were accented with burnt sienna red-brown. He had on a jump suit that looked like something someone would wear in an air hanger. It was the same color as his skin. It had a zip pocket on the front, and the zip area was white with a black corder. Kind of like a little bit of decoration but it had a purpose. The whole time I spoke with Mr. Reptile, I kept looking at his legs and jumpsuit studying the wrinkles and folds. And I kept wondering why on Earth his crotch was so baggy. It made no sense to me for him to have all of that excess room. I woke up at about 5 am or so. I was in bed and heard someone shuffling around. I got up. Every light in the house was on. No one was about. Everyone was still asleep. I turned off the lights and went back to bed. I woke up again and Choshu was using my cell phone, but she had it plugged in the wall. I said to her how I wished she hadn't used up my cell phone battery like that because I needed to use it this morning. And that was when I learned that my phone was completely dead when everyone else got up this morning. And that Choshu had had strange dreams all night, too. So yeah. A real visitation? Maybe.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


Two nights ago I dreamed that I was living back in my old farmhouse from Georgia. My kittens were in the backyard and animal control was trying to catch them. I did everything I could to save them but ended up waking from the dream and crying for a while. Last night was a strange one, and all I can remember from the terrain was that there was a large playground, old houses, and a lake. Cas was there, and he chained himself to the monkey bars. He took out a bone saw and cut off his hand - I can't remember which hand - and then tried to blame the situation on me. I was having none of it though. I can't remember who I told of his behavior, but I was bound and determined to see him locked away... but in a way that he would be taken care of. I was filled with contempt at his behavior and ended up walking away. He could live or die for all I cared. His hand disappeared on the ground and no one could find it. There was something else about that beach I dream about; the sand and the high cliffs that people drown on when the tide rises too high and they are too stupid to leave. But it's all so vague now. Perhaps it's not important.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Jaded in Jacksonville 5

Parts of this were filmed at Camp Blanding in Florida. Yay I get to show Vietnam and other war era machines. Woot.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

vision, regression

I had a dream the other night that I went to a mansion; wandered up the long walk past the growing green trees and across the great lawn. I was accepted therein, which was fine for I was without destination nor even a place to hang my head. I was a young person, albeit myself, and I had been to this very place in dreams before throughout this body's lifespan. So I walked through familiar rooms serving this or doing that; neither an employee of the house nor master nor even guest. The young people came to the front door: Cas and a score of blond college students. I had opened the door to their knock to politely let them in, but when I saw Cas in formal attire (cumberbun as well; silk and dark gray-black with touches of white) I turned my face away in cold disdain. I did not give them the door then, and they had to let themselves in. I would not serve these people who had the nerve to expect it of me. I wandered through secret passageways: out of the lake-bordered back yard and into a little door hidden behind brick and cobbelstone. The butler showed that to me in a kind way; look at this. So I went inside and down a tiny dark hall to a little hidden room where someone lived. There were silk pillows and silk lanterns, but the old man that dwelled there I cannot remember now. I wandered out of there from curiosity and to my delight, the secret inside door was next to the pantry door. I wondered perhaps there was a secret within the cellar-pantry as well, so I opened the little white door with the golden curved door handle. There was a dog inside, and it resembled a red and white shepherd breed. It looked at me and I it. It's sharp knife intelligence probed towards me as if to ask who I was. And perhaps I would have answered for by then I was having the usual dialogue with myself as the wiser, suppressed parts gave me information. The problem is that the butler came and asked me to do something, so my attention was drawn away from the fabulous find. I walked away without shutting the pantry door. A little later in the dream - I cannot remember when - I realized that the dog was Fenris. There was to be a wedding, and it would happen in the backyard by the lake. Lindsey was in the wedding dress, and the college kids gathered around her. Cas was on the fringe, not really belonging as is his damnable due. Again I turned my back and gave them a cold sentence; I would not serve them in this either. I walked away towards the little door. Or perhaps the wedding scene happened BEFORE I released Fenris. I am none too sure. There is an old wive's tale that to dream of a wedding is to foretell of a funeral. Vice versa should you dream of a funeral. During the rare times I have dreamed of weddings and funerals in detail, this has proven to be so for me. At any rate, yesterday was my first official hypnotherapy session. Ami-chan was kind enough to guide me. It struck me as very very much like the one time I went to a past life regression, and so I consider that I can experiment to do so for myself in the future. The sessions were taxing for Ami-chan, I suspect, and it was difficult for me due to distractions and insecurity - not of myself but that others would see those secrets I harbor. The first session was clear enough - more clear than anything I had ever been to before. I saw mountains, but the entire time Kausha had been making fun of Ami-chan so I ended up shouting at the sprite to hush. The second time, Ami-chan used what she called the elevator method, but when she called upon me to step into that elevator my mind realized that I wasn't sure what an elevator should look like. So I stood before a dumbwaiter or perhaps an elevator from the old days. The top where the doors would be was decorated with intricate gingerbread lattice work, but the room when it came up was of pure white light. It kept going. Then it came up again and kept going. And came up again and kept going. Finally I took a stick and jammed it still so I could crawl inside. Inside there was supposed to be five buttons: G, for the ground floor where I stood. A for the first floor, then B, then C, and finally D which would take me to my personal inner Akashik library where I could read the life I have been struggling to regain. She said for me to hit the A button and rather than go up the elevator took me down. The doors opened and I faced an underground car parking lot... only it was dark and filthy with dirt on the walls. There were cobwebs everywhere, and I knew fear. The other part of myself - she who is separate and possibly the true body's owner - said, "I hope she doesn't expect us to get out here." I was half tempted to step out because my fear, to me, meant that this was where I needed to go. But Ami-chan directed me to go to the B floor. I did and the doors opened to brilliant blue-green ocean water. This is the third time a session has presented deep sea water, and still yet I've no clue what it could mean. The C floor was a wind-blown desert with high sandy dunes and dry air. While going up to D, the great eye of Metatron greeted me. His eye was blue this time, and it wasn't that he was saying no so much as he "stood" in my way. I flew up to him and asked him to move aside, and after a tiny argument the eye became glass as if to a window. I looked beyond and there... was the Fishbowl. I hovered over the Fishbowl and beheld the most beautiful aerial view of the place. I could see the tiny seats and the blue panels. And I thought, "Oh! So it's BLUE!" - for when rollercoasting I do not see any color but barely made out shapes and never any sound. That was when I realized that I was no longer hypnotised but had floated onto a rollercoast; a far seeing adventure. After a while we tried again. Ami-chan tried the door method that time; there are doors that lead to all the lives and parts of your life you need to know. You know which door to pick. And yes I did. I stood in the great underground chamber of the kingdom of the Lizard folk; the great round area and faced grey double doors decorated on top with curly engravings. And then I noticed all the doors around me. The room was huge and as I turned slowly I beheld hundreds and hundreds of little wooden doors side by side with barely a foot between them. So many doors I told Ami-chan... and that was when Choshu made sound behind my left shoulder. I, who was vulnerable in that moment, probed the energy there and saw a pretty shiny dwarf axe engraved with hearts: my interpration of her signature. And so, with an axe behind me, the mood was split again. We tried one more time after that by trying to go directly in. And so I stood on the mountain I had originally almost reached when I yelled at Kausha. It was a field of flowers, and upon behelding their spikey white petals I was afraid of what I was going to remember. These flowers, I also knew, no longer grew here on this world. I walked forward and the sharp leaves cut my right knee. I was small; the flowers reached up just to my thighs. And I wore a woolen dress akin to a 11th century peasant gown. It was faded brown. There was something like a blanket over a rope or perhaps a makeshift tent. The cloth was thick thick wool and I could see it. But nothing more. The need to conquer the fear wells up in me even now.