MILAB vlog "The White Commentaries" July 18 2014

 My old Jaded From Jacksonville vlog rebooted. This time I rant about the personal hurt from listening to interviews with two researchers I had reached out to and grown fond of, and how they dismissed people like me as not worth helping more or less. I also make a comment about chick flicks, maybe mention some of my memories that no one cares about, and comment sarcastically on all of those people who channel the Council on High.

This vlog is put out knowing that a lot of researchers are up front about how they're not counselors and can't "help" you in that way. I'm more addressing all those out there who claim to want to "help" when really they just want something for themselves, or their own worldview is too narrow to be anything but harm.

Interesting event happened today.

I received an email inviting me to interview for some sort of Experiencer group TV thingie. I'm not sure what the project is myself. They said, "Our (name deleted) team and television production are looking for fellow experiencers who would like to share their extraterrestrial encounters with our team for on-camera investigation and research. Each member of our team and production crew is involved with ongoing alien encounters, so no one has ever assembled a better group to seek out answers to the alien phenomenon. (Name deleted) was created after my alien visitors told me to seek out those like myself and then look within. Our cosmic scavenger-hunt has begun."

It took me a while to decide what I was going to do. I was tempted, but weighing my options and my past ... experience (for lack of a better term) I decided best not. So I sat down to decline. I did it as gracefully as I could, taking time off from work to explain why. This is what I wrote, taking out some names to protect folks:

"Hi there and thank you for contacting me.I'd love to help you out, but I've learned a horrible lesson. The minute I do anything UFO related under my real persona, for some reason it's like no one notices I'm there. Or I get called a liar. Or researchers like yourself take what they want and then dump me like a bad girlfriend. All of this is very emotionally draining and painful, and I've gotten pretty jaded in regards to those who claim they want to help. It's pretty consistent they don't. The last MUFON researcher I bothered with, well. Let's just say he wanted fame, which he got, and when I stopped playing ball he dumped me. Meanwhile his partner treated me like I didn't have the right to learn or know anything but it was perfectly okay for him and his cousin to use me to learn how to astral travel and do things his cousin ended up abusing in an unethical way. And being attached to this stuff was actually hurting my author career - which is weird because so many big names are doing okay being attached - so it's like an identity crisis version of the Alien Lovebite. And it's frustrating to sit and listen to people talk about things you relate to but the minute you open your mouth everything goes sour, no matter how nice and accommodating you try to be. Can't even get memberships in forums....But my point is, I'm not up to another episode where I get used, dried up, and thrown away. I get attached to people and I'm tired of being used.

I'd love to help you on a research basis, because that would help me, but I don't have the resources... and I'm sure I'm not sexy, witty, young or thin enough to help out. =^-^= So what I will do is give you the link to (my) free book. It's a simple account. There's nothing unusual in it, and it's not complete because I can only work on it here and there. But there it is. Maybe there's something in it you can use"

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/4990

I figured from here I'd never hear from them again, but they gave me a prompt reply before the day was over. When I saw the email in my box, I was actually surprised to see it. For a fleeting moment, I naively thought to myself that maybe they were interested in creating a real support bond, something that would let me participate. This is what I got:

Just so you know I'm not a researcher, I'm an Experiencer and have been my entire life.  It's sad that you judge me without ever talking with me and my work has always been about supporting fellow Experiencers and creating ongoing relationships.  Anyway this is the reality you've created in your imagination and I'm not here to force anyone to share their experiences.  So sad that you judge...

Wow. Just. Wow. "On-camera investigation and research" = researcher. Maybe I shouldn't have over explained. But on the other hand, maybe he shouldn't have assumed. And furthermore: he's "not here to force anyone to share" wtf?!?! I could have sworn I shared by linking him to a book that is my experiences that he could have for FREE. I wonder if he even gave it a chance.

And thinking further, that entire email was me sharing an experience. Isn't that what the fuck he asked for? If he wants to bond people together, he needs to learn to deal with the damage other jerks have done. I'm not the only one that has been kicked around, although I'm probably the most vocal.

My response: You weren't being judged. I'm just tired and worn out. There were key phrases in that message such as "anything UFO related" which means "anything beyond researchers". Also not once did I call you a researcher. I just stated the last researcher I dealt with did those things. 

So sad you're more worried about how someone may or may not be judging you versus when they open up and share the very pain you claim to want to experience with and help.  You could have handled my message, really the entire situation, better. Glad I've developed the habit of putting things on the table to see how people really are. I didn't judge you. But it's interesting how you turn it around to judge me. But, that is that.

Ha, I just checked. Mercury is in retrograde. Go figure. Well. Good luck to you. 


****

Upon re-reading I do see where I called him a researcher. Shoot. So I shot another email: Okay I see where I called you a researcher. Sorry if I got that wrong. You approached me like one. However, the rest of what I have to say still stands. Apologies. Moving along, good luck. I won't email you again.

I've been through I think 20 people, looking for a way to get answers? And that's just in my later adult life. They weren't all researchers, but they all did end up being bad for me whether they meant it or not. I've been used, lied to, manipulated, had my programming tampered with, thrown out on my ear, and lost my children. Damn this shit, if I'm going to worry about this guy who can't even read a letter straight. If he misunderstands my initial contact, I can't imagine how bad he'll do with anything else I have to say.

Just checked. Mercury is in retrograde, and that isn't helping I'm sure. Man I hate it when Mercury is in retrograde. I've been getting bs like that over what seems to me to be clear statements all week.

And the Rocks Cried Out (and Creeped Me Out)

I once went to one of those weekend spiritual gathers. I had hit a strange bout of insomnia before it so by the time I got to the gather I was pretty sleep deprived. I drove up from Florida, exploring along the way.

Two weeks of not sleeping. I was the first one to arrive. I stepped out of my car, put my left foot on earth at the spiritual grounds, and was greeted with a very loud "You're here!!!!" from everything nearby. It was like the rocks practically shouted. (No the rocks didn't shout.)

I spent the next several days being stared at and poked at by every spiritual anything in the area.

I couldn't go anywhere down a path without everything lining up along the side like they were watching the Queen of England go by. They grouped in sizes according to day, too, starting with the little folk and ending with tall ones that loomed over me like trees in the end. And the last few days were spent with me standing in the middle of the water hole as far from land as I could get while watching spiders, dozens and dozens of spiders, climb the rocks to try to get close to me. I mean I was inspected by *everything*.

I was kind of keeping to myself about it for a while. Even if I didn't think I was imagining it, there are just some things you get used to I guess? Getting stared at a lot, even if it had never been quite like that before. Then one of the volunteers, who had just got into voudoin and accepted her spirits into herself, tricked me into her camp to interrogate me all night long. It was like here we go talk talk talk, BTW what ARE you? Everything here is so excited to see you and I want to know what the hell is going on.

I never gave her a straight answer because I wasn't sure myself back then. I told her to ask them what the hell, and she said they're confused. They're saying they have never seen anything like you before. At the time I took that to be slightly disappointing (it would have been nice to know what they saw). I also felt and now even more realize, wait a minute. If they recognized me when I got there then why are they confused and wotnot? Something doesn't add up, unless volunteer was lying or being lied to.

And I don't remember most of the conversation at all. The only part that is clear is when I happened to look around into the night and saw one of the leaf elves off in a guarding position - which is what they do, and no I couldn't tell you what kind of alien they are or what they are - and then it took a draft on a cigarette. My mind was utterly blown, and I went off at the volunteer for a while freaking out because this elf wasn't being all Tolkien at me. It was smoking a cigarette while eavesdropping from about a dozen or more feet away, and that was just so... mortal.

After the talk, the peeping died down (although the spiders did have to take their shot and did) and then the gather was over. I forget where up North it was. I can't remember but I think that was also the year I was given that dream by Hubbard or whichever writer that was.

I was driving home and was just north of Kingsland, Georgia when it hit me while crossing over a bridge. Someone had decided to pull me out of body. It was so strong I couldn't fight it. I pulled over just in time at the bottom edge of the little bridge onto the grass and passed out.

I opened my eyes in the middle of a ritual fire pit and looked up while the volunteer, the gather leader, and a third man stared at me. I can't tell if you if they tried commands or what they were after. I can only tell you it almost killed me.

I woke up in a few hours and went on home. Confronted the leader about it but he denied it indirectly.

I also believe one of the group members who had died just before the gather was using me to channel. I kept hounding this one girl to say things to her even though I didn't know her (she was close to him), and I couldn't control these feelings of abandonment and being left out when people did things like a memorial and I wasn't invited because I didn't know the dragon. Things just kept coming out of my mouth and I had no control. I had gotten some sleep by then, so it wasn't sleep dep. I mean as soon as I set up camp I could finally rest. The sleep dep was over.


As a result of this being used like that I made a complete ass of myself.

So I also took on a new rule. My body. Go get your own, dammit. I've been pretty adamant about that rule. I can channel just like Hollywood, but... no. People are assholes and they don't like to get permission. It's not fair to anyone when that happens.

memories

So I and Choshu got in touch with a little UFO researcher in Alabama. She's not writing a book or anything. She's very informative.... ... and has decided that Choshu needs regression and I need reprogramming. -_- Anyway. I was trying to fall asleep last night (I haven't been sleeping at night lately.. or hardly in the day for that matter) and was thinking about how the researcher asked Choshu if she had had her dolls come to life on her as a child but had not asked me that. Then I started to recall all the nightmares I had with my dolls and with that, of course, I started to remember other things I had totally forgotten about. I had night fears as a child, you see. Big time night fears. I was afraid of my room, afraid of the dark, afraid of shadows... I had been that way since I was small and had had a dream. I don't remember the dream very well. I do remember that as I lay there with my eyes closed the way a child does a woman's voice whispered to me "Whatever you do, do NOT open your eyes. Whatever you do, do NOT open your eyes." So I opened my eyes and saw the head of a "burglar", to which I screamed bloody murder. This burglar was shaped sort of like the Hamburglar; you know with that big head? And I only saw his silhouette. And that's when I developed night fears. And if asked I probably couldn't tell you what I was afraid of. I just was terrified. Our family was poor, so poor that our trailer was repossessed. My father was always a very resourceful man, being highly intelligent, so he got an old school bus and built it into a little home. Later on when we were doing better and had bought another trailer, the Bus because my and my older brother's bedroom; split by a wall in the middle. I hated going out there more than anything. I would hang there during the day, but at night Dad would have to threaten physical violence to get me to go bed. He didn't understand how frightened I was; and believe you me I was terrified. Because at night my dolls would move on me and they would even be in different positions when I woke up. I had one doll that was a little larger than a toddler. I loved her but after a while I thought she hated me and could perceive hatred in her plastic eyes. I woke up one time - I swear to you - with her standing by the bed coming to kill me. That's what I thought! But the two dreams that clinched my fear were the ones of the bright light descending down around the trailer and coming through the door as I screamed in terror and the other dream of being in a white place on a white table like bed with blowing white cloth all around me while the dolls stood around me to do things to me. There was one other dream I thought of from all those years ago, but I can't remember it very well. It was something to do with world domination? And I was doing something... but when I woke up my brother told me he had been playing Pink Floyd as a mind experiment on me. -_- My brother was also very intelligent, you see. My brother also used to have a mental companion he called Miya Kiyana - which meant "life death" - who taught me about how some of his people came to this planet via a special machine that would send your soul out. And how sometimes there's more than one version of the same soul because they ended up split. Miya Kiyana himself was split by having to pass through a star on the way here. And he taught me about flyfighters and also could remember when my homeworld fell. And would have me find "others" (because that was my talent) in order to group them. Then would have me excluded once my part was over. My brother was arrested and thrown in prison after another eventful time that doesn't belong in this particular topic but DOES involve MIB and then he was thrown into federal prison. After that, my brother told me, Miya Kiyana went away. And he can't remember how childhood hardly at all. I'm just a sister to him these days, and not really someone close I suppose. Anyway, the point is that it should take a researcher helping me to bounce these memories out... Not anger that I've been blown off by yet another assumption. Growl. I had a dream last night that I was Haruhi finally confessing to Tamaki. He was speechless and hugged me.. and someone woke me up.