Friday, April 8, 2011
It wasn't much of a training exercise, and the images are jumbled and vague. I know it was happening in a wide grassy area with a ravine nearby, kind of like the area in Garden of the Gods or something. There was a dark-haired person I was talking to there, but I can't remember what we were talking about. Nothing important, I suspect, as we stood in the crevice away from the grass. And at some point there was a young woman wearing solid fatigues, very old-fashioned but the cloth was new, in a hat that I spoke briefly with. I was told she was a "P-- Corporal". Principle Corporal maybe. Can only guess. Then I was on the grass, walking to somewhere. I looked up and ahead of me a little to my right. There was a guy there, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He had a toy rifle; I think it was a nerf gun or some plastic craptastic thing. He pointed at me. Inside of me the information that he was Vietnam (or some country like that) filtered into my head. He was shooting. I knew he was shooting. But there was no sound, no movement from his body, nothing. Just the knoweldge he was firing a volley of automatic rounds at me. Suddenly out of nowhere four people came and stood in front of me. They were all women. One of the ones in the middle was the Corporal, whose name was Alexander or Alexia or something. She wasn't wearing her hat anymore. I can still remember her face and the cut of her short blonde hair. She told me to stay down as she stepped up, and I did. She was taking most of the "bullets" and fell to the ground while the others just stood there. Then the others stepped away and the guy was still firing, or perhaps he had left. I crawled up behind the corporal as she slumped and braced her back with my body as I wrapped my arms around her. "Hang in there," I said. "Steady now, don't fall." And while I held her I couldn't understand this scenario. It made no sense to me. Her body wasn't jerking from the bullet impacts. There was no ricochet, no sound, no blood. And then she was on the ground, dead somehow, and I got up and her body was gone. Someone said that her disappearance meant she "was a goner" but it might have been my mind making the puns that I do. I cried bitterly over my "savior". I was already depressed when I went to bed. I mean, come on. So I wanted to walk away from the... field?... and be alone. I knew there were trees on the edge, I would sit there and be by myself. I started to walk and suddenly I was surrounded on either side by two women. One wore a white lab coat. They asked me where I was going and were working to distract me and keep me there, and I knew it. I know that at one point the subject of free time came up and I complained bitterly to them. "I don't know how you people find the time to do things for yourself," I said. "I don't even have the time to find anymore." The one in the lab coat smiled knowingly. I noted that to myself. And then.. I was looking at my feet as they were around me. I noticed that one's hair was somehow at her feet and funny looking, brown and in tiny braids. More like twine used on packages, really. I was thinking, "What weird fucking hair." I finally said, "Look. I just want to be alone for a while." I was getting exasperated at them. And they said/did something. Suddenly I was in a bunker, or rather. I was assuming it was a bunker while at the same time knowing I was in a little trailer. There were two beds in there, and I was lying on one of them in "stand by mode". The other bed was on the other side of the small box and I knew there was a young man on it. I was nekked, the way I was when I went to sleep, and wearing my large blue bathrobe. I automatically adjusted it to cover my breasts. The lad, who turned out to be my young male handler, said, "Good. I want to see breasts, but not *yours*." His emotion of disgust hit me, too. But I was on standby mode and only able to register things. Then he came over to me - he was in dress greens - and adjusted the bottom of my robe to cover other parts of me. I thought to myself, "I guess I wasn't covered good enough." I know that at some point after the Corporal died, I was back at the crevice only it was now filled with water. There was a strong current int he water that tried to sweep two girls away - one I was told was my daughter but was too old and too blond. So my "daughter" ran on the water to get back on shore. And said to me, "Look! I'm walking on water!!" When I woke up the first thing I considered was that knowing smile. It says to me, "You have more free time than you think you do." Another testimony to their ignorance. No. I don't. As for that young handler: he really has NO business handling. It's like a man who despises horses taking care of an entire stable. He needs to be placed elsewhere. As a matter of responsibility.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I went to sleep early last night because I'm angry: angry at one for being stupid about their position, angry at the other for having ties to the situation causing the problem, and angry at my handlers for putting the buttons in me in the first place. Just angry at the whole kit 'n kaboodle. "You have to go to work tonight." "Fuck them, and fuck you. Everybody in my head, we are no longer cooperating unless some of the bullshit is alleviated." It was 1800 hours, and I went to bed. 2100 hours or so I get a txt on my phone, alleviating some of the problem. The texter in question would not normally have been privy to the information needed. I read the txt, responded, got up and worked. Midnight and even though I'd had a long nap I'm fighting sleep. ... but you're not going to like me. It was a rough night. My tooth hurt. There's something in my memory about a wild car ride, but I can't tell when the dream happened. Or what happened. My alarm went off at 4:30 and I went to turn it off... and it shut itself off mid-tone. I thought it strange that it did it like that and went back to sleep quite naturally. I didn't hear the other two alarms. The phone was right next to my ear, and I'm tuned to my alarms. So that should be considered weird. My right arm hurts in the upper muscle with that ache you get after a booster shot. That very specific ache.