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Tuesday, November 6, 2007


I was married, and my husband was Oriental. We were overseas traveling... no children with us; just us. It was supposed to be somwhere in the East. I wasn't sure where it was. He was driving so I sat there on the passenger side watching the scenery go by. We started in a city where his sisters lived. We were staying with them. I cannot remember what was going on, but I liked his family even though I was aware that I was an outsider. We got into the car and went to the country. From the country we started to drive into the mountains that somehow managed to look American. (lol) We went higher and higher, and I looked at passing people and villages. I thought to myself how I would like to live there. I considered asking him if we could. The higher we climbed, the more wooded and remote the area. I wasn' t sure where he was taking us. There was a gigantic stone Buddha sitting on the side of the road at one point so that he could overlook the mountain valleys. His back was flat like a bookend and there were fixtures on his brow that resembled something like electric lighting. I was annoyed that the government had done that to him. But we passed him by without comment. I'm not sure what I said, but at this point my husband said to me, "Min Tao" (sp?). "What?" I asked, confused. "Min Tao," he said. "It's Tibetan, it means 'good'." The context of his statement should have been "thank you", however. He did that for the rest of the dream: insisted on speaking "Tibetan". Naturally it was plain gibberish to me. We reached a compound at the top of the mountain. This was where the children were being kept. With the other couples, my husband and I sat in a waiting room to meet American couples who had come to adopt them. There was a beautiful scene with a wouldbe father hanging on a rope with three children: it was an acrobatic act of some kind to pick and/or bond with one. I watched it and wondered if the children were siblings. There was a blond woman, spreading at the waist, who spoke to me a bit. That was how I'd found out what they were there for... but we were not there for that as far as I knew. But with my husband there in this foreign land... I was so happy and complete-feeling I didn't want to leave the dream. As I started to wake up I fought it. I didn't want to come back to the real world. I wanted to stay with my mind-made man. Ah well.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Jaded in Jacksonville 3

This is the third episode in my video blog series. I only wanted to put it here to make sure it was with the others. Please donate through Paypal to help keep me running. Being able to keep my home means more episodes. If everyone who saw this episode donated a buck fifty I would even have the money to keep job hunting with. Or someone can just commission me. Freelance artists ho.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Jaded in Jacksonville 1

This is the first Jaded in Jacksonville, ever, when I was only playing with the fun of making video and hadn 't thought of making things serious just yet.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

dream, MILAB

Can't shake it. It happened... a week ago? Two weeks? It was recent.

 I was aboard the ship - IT WAS A HUMAN VESSAL AND I WAS WORKING WITH OTHERS WHO SPOKE AMERICAN ENGLISH. But we were not military... but not science... what we were? I can't recall.

 The explosion: I and a team of others were walking down one of the outer halls of the craft. I honestly don't know if it was a mothership or spacestation. It was big enough, whatever it was, that there were windows all down the hall so you could look out into space. I was aware of the view but took it for granted. And besides, I was busy.

 As we walked, I was flanked on both sides and we discussed some sort of project. To be precise, I was giving them instructions or feedback or something. We wore white jumpsuits. I have always felt omg, ew, if I had been aware I would have insisted on something more flattering. I'm too fat to carry off that look.

 There was an explosion behind us, and so I turned. It was such a big explosion, the craft even trembled a little. (Takes a lot to make a craft tremble because of the compensation devices in place.) I was concerned and was going to go back to see what was going on.

 Immediately the others started pushing me. "You have to go!" they shouted as they pushed me. "Go! Go go go! Go now! You have to go!"

 I was pushed into a tiny capsule, like an escape hatch, even though I didn't want to. When the door shut on me, the memory ends. I woke up that day honestly wondering how I got home and where I had landed.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

an alien encounter, not a dream

So.. I went to bed and I woke up @ 2 or 2:30 from a dream. A very specific words like bells dream - I could remember it at first. But now it's gone. I was surprised when I looked at the clock: it seemed like so much time had passed. Then, trying to go back to sleep, the after affects hit. The fear, the being a child, the crying, the incredible nausea and pain. Everytime I thought I was gonna fall back asleep and it would pass, I'd have to sit up again. And again. Choshu got woke up in the youngest hour. When I sat defeated on the couch and began to assess the dream, I thought, "Was I punished for my rebellion?" The nausea has passed miraculously away, but the tight fear inside remains. Tell me again these guys are nice?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

dream, past life regression

I have long ago decided to dance away from the deep discussions on things like alien/human machinery and technology. So, yeah, I post what I *know* and get completely ignored. That also happened to me today, by the way, on an alien forum. Am I angry? Nah. Just a little frustrated - a psychic reader once told me, "Stop feeling like you're shouting in a crowd!"

Well, that's rather hard when you literally are. But the events of today have amused me, for the most part, and reaffirmed the Promise that those who have absolutely no importance and are a waste of time are those that will push their opinions over me and view me as a threat: push me aside. So. I had my appointment with the Whitelighter today. I had mentioned that I was going to do it on one of my other journals. Yeah, even though the Bowl and everything else kept promising that I was going to have a "good conversation" I had my really big doubts. "Whitelighters, brrr!" Yeah. I get to the door at 11 am, and she answers it in her pajamas. "I thought you were coming tomorrow!" "Well, I thought it was today!" We both laughed, and she invited me in. She got dressed while I unfurled in her home. It was a nice place; upper class. But then again her husband is in a position to be able to afford it. This is good, for her. She made tea from jasmine and some other stuff. We sat in her living room talking about various things - most of which I can't even remember, so I suppose they weren't important. A lot of it was her being amused when her two angelic spirits took me up on the suggested of throwing marshmallows at the Fishbowl. When I suggested we also string cheese the place, she thought that might be going too far. I don't know why. ^-^ She also began to talk about my "guardian angel" - someone I'm quite angry with at this time for obvious reasons. And he's angry with me. Really, we've been having a lover's spat for a few years now. It's not even a wisdom vs. adolescent anger thing. He's possessive and I wouldn't mind if he were physical. End of story. Okay, yes, I KNOW you're physical somewhere you damn bastard. *looks around* You're just not physical HERE and never will be, so go the eff away. *cough* ANYWAY. So when he began to tap his foot at her and she kept going, I had to gently say, "Do you think he's telling you to back off? Just a guess here." Then it came time for the past life regression. Aaaah, alright. Here we go. She took me to a back room of her house and instructed I relax on the day bed there. Lighting incense and leaving the room to put on some mood music, I obeyed. When she returned, I was ready. That was when we began. I could go into all the steps she instructed me to do, I suppose. But somehow I think most of you guys know the routine: relax your feet. Relax your ankles. Allow it to go up into your legs. Now your pelvis. "Pssst. Blue. It's your deep-voiced spirit here. Yeah, the only male you let near you. You really *don't* need to go through this." "I know. Shaddup. I'm paying for this. Let me do it." By the time she told me to open the chakra in my pelvis, I was already bored with laying there so just opened everything up all at once and waited. Eventually she got to the lotus flower, and it was time to move on... inward... ... and imagine a safe place... and then a door... and stairs... So she's describing stepping through the doorway, right? I was already on the other side, tapping my foot and waiting for her to catch up. Then she said for me to descend the stairs. Ah, cool. I'm barefoot with flowing white clothing - woot my ancient wedding regalia! I'm ready for nothing now! So here I go, descending nice and romantically. Wait a damn minute. Did she say we were at the bottom of the stairs?? It's true, she had. But I was still on the stairs, and let me tell you those damn stairs wound down for a long way. They disappeared into the dark, and they weren't a straight shot either. I had to cheat. Yes, me. *I* had to cheat and fly to get to the bottom on time. Now, now, don't be too disappointed. It was only once.... for the day... So there I was at the bottom of the stairs. "You're in a room with a couch and a curtain," she said. "And another door which reads 'past lives'." No... I was in a room with a poofy couch and path after path after path after path... in order to catch back up with her again, I had to reach out with humongous hands and squish the paths into a single door. But that was fun, so whose complaining? I'm willing to bet you can guess on the next instruction. Yep. Open the door. I did. Here she began to tell me to step through the door, but shifted thoughts. I was already doing this, but she instructed me to examine what I was wearing on my feet. Well, I was barefoot of course - and I even know why, but this is not part of the story. After we examined our footwear, it was time to go through the door. I had already stepped through - c'mon, we all know what she wanted - and turned around to go back out. You see, she was taking ten steps to help me through the door again. That's when I got sucked in. No, seriously, It was quite dramatic. One minute I'm walking back out, the next I'm clawing desperately for the door frame as I was sucked into the unknown with my feet dangling in the air. Away I went like a roach flushed down the toilet. SPLOOSH! I landed in a whirlpool, a very strong whirlpool, and could feel my spirit drowning in the water. (Actually now that I think about it, it was kind of fun.) The turbulent water stopped swirling, but remained turbulent. While my guide was going on and on about... um... something about doing something or being someone or something? I was in a very turbulent ocean. It was just me and miles of open sea. Have no fear, readers, for this did not go on for long. To my right, a ship came into view. Swiftly and silently, the prow came into my vision. It was not the prow of a ship that any human had ever piloted. In fact, I've not seen one in ages. I remembering thinking, "What the shit is THAT doing here?" It pulled up and a brown-haired young man fished me out of the water. He just reached down and scooped me right up. That's about where my vision was broken, because when random things happen like that I tend to go "buh?" and flit back to Earth. I spent the rest of the session trying to get back into the process, but could not. After the session, the nice lady and I began to talk. Let me tell you - my first impression of her was wrong wrong wrong. She's no Whitelighter. She's a very balanced and healthy individual who is head over heels for her husband. She was a joy to be around, and although I probably should have left earlier in the day I didn't until 4 o'clock. So now here is the nifty part of the day. Huh, you thought it was the past life regression? Bah. Let me tell you about that regression: it was not fruitful. The thing I seek was not found. When I broke down and told her what I was after, she contacted one higher power. When I asked if maybe she could kind of go higher, she did and then said to me in distress, "Are you SURE you want to know?" But it's not her fault. She's actually quite good. She knew of another method. I shall contact her on that at another date. She finally got comfortable with me enough to open up about herself and revealed she was Atlantean. Yes, yes, I know. My pet peeve. Let me finish. "Which Atlantis?" I asked. "Not the Bronze Age one that everyone gets confused about, I hope?" "No." Here she began to describe the place and how things were, technologically. "Oh, THAT one! That's a good one. I was the little girl that broke the tower." Infused with excitement, she pointed to me and joyously proclaimed, "I know who you are!!!" The story behind this, so I am told, is that she has a good friend who used to deal with said tower on a regular basis. You see, it was a transmission tower and she would sing at a little outpost connected at the bottom. When the crystal cracked and the tower fell, her job was put on hold. This gave a certain underling leverage to create problems at work. Before it was all over, she lost her job. She's still a little irritated about the whole affair, I am also given to understand. On my end, however, the tale goes like this: I had always remembered it was some sort of transmission tower. But at the time, I was a very small child; very curious, prone to quick boredom. This happened before I was sold into slavery, so I was visiting the fair city with my parents. My parents were speaking with a man in uniform at the base of the tower. I have no clue what the conversation was about. All I know was that there were these stairs nearby, and I wanted to see what was at the top. So I began to climb. And climb. Stop to play. Climb. Stop to play. Climb. And then the roof opened up and I was in this magical world with a strange box, a pedestal, and the most glowing, sparkly crystal I had ever seen. I wasn't meaning anything by touching it. I certainly didn't expect it to lose it's balance and roll off the pedestal. Furthermore, the tinkling yet devestating shattering sound it made on impact was the last thing I ever wanted to hear. OOops. The next part of this memory is being in giant trouble while flying home with my parents. I was in the back seat, and my mother was so angry it radiated off of her in yellow-orange waves. "She was probably embarrassed," the woman I formerly thought of as a Whitelighter said. Probably. We never went back to the city, in any case. "Well," the former Whitelighter said, "we were thinking the loss of my friend's job was due to a conspiracy but now that we know your story - well, it's a lot more plausable!" And that is why I'm currently not worried about asshats that ignore me when I endure the considerable pain it takes to write long posts such as this filled with knowledge and information I have spent thirty years to ponder and digest all for their convenience and comfort. Today I am real. That is all that should matter; the rest will fall into place. I also had that confirmed today, too... but that's another story for another day far in the future.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


I had a dream last night; a long one in which I was running from the government, then won for a while, and then ended up running again. For some reason it was based on Avatar the Last Airbender, but only in that my friend was from the show. And Saraen was there, but only for a moment. The part that speaks the loudest to me was when I saw a white-haired man. His hair was long past his shoulders and straight. I thought, "There is Moch!" for a split second, but no. It was not. We looked at each other - I think I was riding a train or something and sticking my torso out of the window - and he was passed by. Another man who looked very similar came out from behind something. His hair was only to his chin, but just as straight as the last. "THERE you are!" I shouted. He approached me and my heart welled as I knew there he was at last; my Moch. We kissed, and I could feel the urgency in our touch. It was a hard kiss as we pressed to each other, grabbing and trying not to let go. Then the train or whatever it was wrenched me from his grasp. But I was not upset. I was too busy to be upset. The feeling I examined there was that I had found him, I knew where he was, and he was not gone from my life. I was only out on a mission and would be back. Not like now, where my life is empty without him with no hope of seeing him again. But like a pair of mundanes where one takes a business trip and knows he's coming home to his wife next week. THAT kind of waiting. I'd found him and my heart. The strong kiss made it so real

Monday, June 18, 2007

dream, MILAB

I remember that we were in a field at least; the kind they used to hold turkey shoots in when I was a child. The grass was thick and green, and there were these clear boxes on black stands with black dots or rings painted on them. I suppose they were supposed to be targets. I can't remember who all was there at first. I know that we were chatting and everyone was scattered all around me, with each person about 2 to 3 meters away from me and facing me. We could have been points on a map, the way we were aligned. They circled me. The person I was talking to directly in front of me was female, taller than I with an essence of grey around her. She had a built body; you could tell it even from under the many layers of clothes she wore. I knew she wasn't human but an alien (maybe a reptile), especially when she whipped out the laser rifle from behind her back (and essentially from nowhere). It was a grey and white weapon and didn't look like anything I had seen before, but the moment it came out I knew what it was. I was literlly, "Whoah. Watch where you point that thing," when she started waving it around. It also took me back a little - there had been no animosity in our conversation. She just took it out as if this were and every day thing for her saying, "WEll, now I'm going to kill you" as if I knew too much or something. At first she pointed at a young woman standing behind her to my left. This woman was 2 to 3 meters farther up from her, making her 4 to 6 meters farther from me. When the gunwoman pointed her weapon in the woman's direction, I thought for sure the other girl was dead. It was not that long of a shot and the weapon was very clearly powerful. The alien wasn't really taking time to aim. While holding the gun slung around her hips, she turned her body in whatever direction she wanted to fire. I can't recall if she shot the other girl. It doesn't seem like she did. Rather, she slung the gun back in my direction with some short statement indicating I was about to die. The person 2 to 3 meters standing in line with me to my right made an alarmed motion - I saw it from the corner of my eye. I was alarmed, too, for obvious reasons. I ducked behind the target nearest me and crouched down. My antagonist spoke to the whole group while she slung her gun around, but I can't recall what was said. It seems as though it was the typical speech people make when they're in that position. I know I was thinking some loud, clear thoughts and might have responded to the gun lady once or twice. Because I can't recall the convo, I'm not sure what was said that made me stand up to respond that final time. The gunner fired as soon as I had finished speaking. The blast (or perhaps bullet, who knows) hit me in the right side of my belly. I was kind of grazed but yet seriously injured enough to fall to the ground. That was when it was revealed that Mike and Tabs had been standing behind me all along. Now of the pair, Tabs is usually the most verbal. This time, it was Mike that had a lot to say. Tabs stepped forward into view of the side of my right eyes. Mike stood over me. He was not yelling at my assailant, but the conversation had turned very serious. All that I remember about it was that they were allowing the gun woman alien to believe I was dead. The whole time they're talking, I'm laying on the ground with this wound in my side. All sorts of dumfounded thoughts were flying through my mind: WTS?! Why is there no blood? How bad is it? Aw damn, my clothes are ruined. What's going on? Is the alien going to finish me off or what? How bad is the wound? Why doesn't this hurt? I think Tabitha took over the conversation at some point during my thoughts, because the conversation took on a "you bastard" tone to it. (Leave it to Tabs to let you know. LOL) I started to lift my head to look at my wound, but Mike grabbed my head by my left cheek and skull and pushed me back down. "Put your head back down," he said to me sternly. "She thinks you're dead." I can't remember anything after that, if there was anything.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


I had a bicycle, and this hoodlum was trying to steal it from me. So I stabbed him many times with my fingernail file while my friend Choshu squealed and danced around the way people do when witnessing narsty things. I can't recall what happened later or even the setting very well, except for some random 1950's shop items. The bike was brandnew and a pretty green-blue. Somehow it came up in a conversation that there had been a crime committed. The person I was speaking with blamed themsevles, but I also stood there and took the blame. I never found out what the crime was. Anyway, somehow my own right hand got stabbed with the fingernail file and the wouldbe thief brought a group of 10 or 20 to help him still this solitary bike. There was blood all over my hand, especially from my pointer finger knuckle attaching my finger to my hand. Anyway, I guess this means you *can* hijack a plane witha fingernail file. Took a nap today... was talking with the dragons. I rarely do that. I can't remember the topic.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


Well, I originally wanted to post these things with a sentence beginning in Chinese or Japanese but I am at work without my dictionary.... so perhaps I will remember to come back and edit. Anyway, in this dream I began at the movie house, which is a place I've dreamed about before. As usual I can't remember the movies that were being shown or the people I met up with. This time, they were playing old movies; black and whites. Someone said something to me about how they only play the horrible (not in rating always) movies that were rejected in other places and could only be found in _____. I don't remember the name. Then I and this person got into a truck and we were going down a highway. It was an old highway, too, as if we were in the 1950's. There was a cab on the truck, almost as if it were a military transport vehicle. The person said to me that we had to mark our trail, so he handed me a roll of toilet paper. I streamed the toilet paper out of the truck like college Hansel and Gretel. When the roll ran out, I got another. As we rode along we passed a clown on my right side of the road. He saw what we were doing and said, "Not on my watch." So he began to walk after us. I remember he was covered in little speckles of blood from head to toe and his clothes were so rent and torn they were shards of cloth. He was definitely a white man, and his blond hair was topped by what used to be a tall hat like the Cat in the Hat. But it was also rent and sharded with speckles of blood. I guess we were driving very slow, because he caught up to us even though he was on foot. He climbed onto the back of the truck, and he had a hypothermic needle in his hand. I could feel the danger, but I was not afraid. He stabbed the canvas on the back of the truck with the needle at me. Very calmly. I took his hand and turned the needle around so that he stabbed himself in the heart through the canvas.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

dream, MILAB

Mmmm... I was visiting with two members of the bowl (Council on High) last night, to see if they deserved to die. Or maybe it was a dream; I can't tell. It had a Fishbowl feel to it, and although I know that there are times people just... grrr... that was what I was doing. I was hanging around them like their best bud in order to see if they deserved to die. I hung around a woman first. She was probably a bit older than me. Blonde. She was very friendly, but I had it in my mind that if I Judged her deserving it would be me that would kill her. I can't remember anything about our conversation except that it was mostly small talk and nothing I personally would consider important. But she had been quite a nuisance and hold back or something like that. Before I went to the second person, I stopped by the dark-haired woman who had their files. I opened first the woman's file and glanced over it. Then I opened the second file. That is where my memory of this ends.

Sunday, April 22, 2007


What the phhhuuuccckkkk It was a garden-like area; green, overgrown, etc. I had a pet: a giant.. um.. green caterpillar type thing; big as a domesticated cat. And I was talking to Steven Sartain who was friends with this colored dude - on the internet, if you search, his name is also Steven Sartain. I can't recall... what we were doing.... hanging out maybe. I was on the internet a moment, again talking to Steve but this time via IM'ing him. My daughter sat beside me to watch the conversation, like she does in real life. We were chatting bullshit. But my friends (who changed into other people with the brown Sartain) wanted me to go off with them. But I was talking to Sartain on the internet and kept stalling - cuz the conversation was interesting dammit. The appointment was missed and my friends were angry. And somehow the caterpillar's butt got smushed. Later in the dream I looked at him and marveled how on earth it happened and he was a small man in a plastic bag trying to climb a wall. He'd get a little ways up and slide down only to try again. Over and over and over. One of my friends - the one who was REALLY mad - decided she was going to kick my ass. So then the Sephiroth music started to play (honest to gods this was phucked up) and she's coming at me. So suddenly of course I'm a weak girlie priestess (no effing kidding) who squealed in a high-pitched voice and ran. I ran down the hall; this woman is walking to follow me nice calm and easy to kick my ass. I could feel her power. I turned in the hall and ran back into the computer room with intentions to shout to my daughter, "Halona, tell Steve I'm getting my ass kicked and can't type right now!" and maybe "Help!" But the woman walked into the room from the other door on the other end, so my plan was thwarted. This woman was so small and mousey, lol... and here I am big and bulky running from her like a weakling. I woke up at that point and was having a conversation with someone about it. LOL.... But I am never drinking creme de menthe to get drunk before bedtime again.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007


I had a dream last night about being part of a class that visited a village. There was some strange ritual going on; people running nekkid through the street. The people were then divided into groups first by sex and then by marital status. We women in my group were given names by the "teacher/leader". I was the second. She looked at me, thought, and then spouted out a name in the Old Tongue that phonetically sounded like "Malek Taus" in a way but meant something like "Summer Wind" or something like that. I busted out laughing. She asked me why and I told her because that was my name, how funny. She was going to give me another and someone else that name, and I told her she'd better not. She'd Named me, now cope. There were other things, but I can't remember what... but I did sleep a long time today. I shall exercise after transcribing a while. I predict I shall go to bed late with my awesome predictable powers

Saturday, March 3, 2007

dream, MILAB

My nights are usually spent in "council", which is to stay talking and debating and discussing with old men or things like that. Usually the same old men, sometimes the full blown monty. I never remember the discussions, though, just know they happened. Sometimes I can be lucid enough to remember other things that have happened. The result is that I rarely dream. So last night I dreamed. And sitting here to type it to you, I have no effing clue what happened. But you guys - this board and others - I'm sure you were involved. So I will tell it to you. It was a dream within a dream, I know that much. I can't remember the dream inside, though. It was something about knowing what was going to happen: calling for some revolution, and knowing what was going to happen to me as I took my parts in the web. The setting was a different world than this one - also a rare thing for me. I never do that. But the animals were animals that don't exist here, and the political climate was not the United States. It was a repressed world; freedom? What was that. And I was there as a person who even looked different, being dark of hair and eye, surrounded by light browns and blonds. Loose shirts; cuts that haven't existed since before Ancient China. Whites and tans; dye was not a common thing. And the buildings were different; like giant leen-tos and sheds. The cities had conclaves and stone structures, but I lived in the country at my parents' house. But I had no parents. I don't know who was the uncle-figure that was with me. In real life I have no such person. There were horse-like creatures, too. Something happened with one of them, but I don't remember what. And we were travelling, my "uncle" and I after the dream with these creatures. A wagon; I have a faint memory of one of those. So there I was at home (it was in the same place as my parent's house today, its just everything was different), and officials came. They were in black uniform - very high-necked Chinese - with red lining and other details. They wanted the invention we were building in the backyard by the shed. I forget what it was called, but this was very important. I even had the letters fly in front o fmy eyes when I heard what it was, in order to rememgber, but now I can't. Somethin glike a "superconductor" or "supertransmitter" or something like that. I go back there and I broke it; shattered it into pieces. And this boy that was with me, had been with me, was dismayed to learn that I was building it, that I knew how. He never thought I was smart, you see... and I'd wanted to keep it a secret. So ther I was with this smashed playstation ii looking thing, telling myself I was going to have to start all over. The officials were not happy and stayed. 3 woman stayed, as well, as I pretended to be dumb and took a bath and felt annoyed at their invasive presence. There was a scene somewhere in there when the peole who had been helping with the supertransmitter thing were there in the shed after I'd smashed it. I looked at them, and I said, "Who here wants the return of the Republic?" They shouted and raised their fists and were very excited. The boy came to me, "Shush!" because the officials, if they heard me, would tak eme away. I looked at him and said, "I dont' care" and continued to shout to the people. I told them about my dream - this culture took dreams even more seriously than here - and said that I knew what was going to happen. That one woman was going to sacrifice herself for the sake of the Republic. Tears were in the listesner's eyes, and I was filled with guilt because I was lying. Oh, yes, a person was going to lead them in revolution - and I knew this person might win - but I had seen no sacrifice. I can't understand why I had lied, though. It was not necessary. So then the people decided to go to the beach for now and I went back to the house and returned to appearing dumb. I took a bath and the tub was filled with dirty dishes. Or maybe it was a giant dual sink, because I was moving the dishes around to sit in it. Or maybe I was veyr small - which happens a lot in my dreams.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


I had a dream about Cas a few nights ago, that he came back to try to take more things from the house. I told him he couldn't come in. His lackeys (actually he's THEIR lackey but that's now how the dream was), Lindsay and L were there dressed in prom clothes. He was dressed up, too, and I know at least that this meant I was equating them metaphorically with their high school attitudes. By the end of the dream I'd yelled at him, 'You made me hate you. Thanks a LOT!" and hit him on the head while knelt and took it. Well he would kneel and take it: he likes the idea of being a victim. Last night, I dreamed about him again. He came back to me as I was out on a photo shoot. I was taking pictures of models dressed as statues in cemetaries, and I had an assistant that was taking pictures of me in the shoot to. Lots of 1940's flowing dressed with pretty hats, netting, bows and flowers. Anyway, he was hanging around me as if he was right back in my life again. We were travelling from water processing plant to water processing plant. These plants were small things with highly decorated with paintings borders and sunken ponds. Not like one you see today. There came a point when he whipped out his cell phone and walked away to have a conversation. I was reminded of the shit he'd put me through and realized I didn't have his phone number. This upset me so that I started to sit away from him and create a new distance. He tried getting close to me again, but I didn't want anything to do with it. I was too sad. Then his friend came to me. Lindsay or someone. "He's really missed you," they said to me. I didn't believe her. And I wouldn't if it happened in real life, either.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


Rocky shores, with sand... and I was there with ... Cas, I think. My father, definitely, and that is where we lived; in tents along the shores. But a world storm was coming, so my father said, and I could feel it, too. He wanted us to pitch our tents on the high cliffs, but (so he said) the waves were going to be 100 feet high. Is this cliff high enough? I asked. It was a small cliff. No, he said, looking at it. By that time I had a small crowd of people with me, but I do not remembered the others. They were almost background music, but yes. A small crowd was with us. Browns. My father told me how high the waves were going to be, and I said, "Oh, we'll have to move to --" andI talked about another area nearby that had super high rock mountain cliffs by the water. That was where we would have to go, it was decided, in order to not be killed by the water. The clouds were forming overhead, but the air was calm. I worried about it. I worried about getting the people to move their tents to sucha place. I worried about how we would put tent stakes into the granite, and worried about what would happen if the winds ripped the tents away. But either the dream changed or I went into a second dream, but it was in a house. We were borrowing it, and it was furnished with beautiful things. And I had a Japanese decorated dining room set! So I was worried about how to arrange my furniture. There was a woman staying with us who was "rich". I worried about whereto put her, too. She didn't even know how to wash dishes, although it was kind of her to offer. My father was washing the dishes as he also sat ON the dishwasher. I worry, about those rising winds....

Saturday, January 20, 2007


Sometimes, I have mentioned in the past, I'll ask, "Please show me something" as I lay down to sleep. Last night I asked, "Please show me myself... in the future." It was a selfish request, I am aware, but its not something I've ever asked my "gods/spirits/whatever" directly before. Oh, sure I've gotten card readings, but this time I just... wanted it direct, I suppose. I was shown ocean water on the high seas. I said, "No no, show me myself! Myself!" I was shown two other things, but only one stuck with me. It started out as a temple building on a high mountain. It was a very 2d image: as if only a metaphor. My spirit flew to it, and I entered tall high doors. Inside the doors was a bare, cold stone room where two or three angels spoke. They were not the glowbright angels, mind you, but the feathered-type of popular dogma. They were men, but I could only see one clearly: a nearing middle-aged man who had once been strong. He said to the other, "Ten angels in the world, working for the (good?) of mankind." As he spoke, he turned away from the other - who was in his late teens or early twenties - and walked to the only window of the room to look out into the blue expanse of sky where their building was. I opened my eyes, then, wondering what in the hell this had to do with my future. I'll probably never figure it out.