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Thursday, June 14, 2012

In the early morning

Sometimes you just really want someone to talk to, to synergize with... to relate to.

So you try, again, to turn to somone. Say it's your husband. You've had an eventful day rediscovering some past life material you need to process, the implications it has in regards to your search for the truth, and you've just gotten a message from  your son that he has sleep paralysis episodes where - wide awake - a man in a pin-striped suit comes in to tell him how worthless he is.  This is the same son who, when he ws 5, told you about how he lived on the moon and built spaceships. Tipped with gold. For conductivity.

You turn to your husband in an attempt to talk, but even as the words stumble and halt as you try to force them out of your mouth you are overwhelmed with this feeling. You can't talk to him. There's no use in trying. But you tell him how your son needs to come home to live with you again.

And your husband responds maybe so, but you gotta convince the boy of that. This is his only comment on the matter. A minute later he starts telling you about viking fighting techniques and this DVD he wants to buy. Medieval re-enactment is his football and your feelings just got put back on the shelf in favor of a stick.

And you remember someone's sage advice given to you the other day about how you should just leave men alone to fixate on their games, their immaturity, their hobbies. Why, take for example the time so-and-so wanted to have a family day with the kids at the zoo but Daddy wanted to listen to the game. So he made them sit in the parking lot of places and listen to the game instead of doing things. And that was her fault, somehow, for not letting him alone, that the man couldn't grow up enough to stop being selfish enough to sacrifice a single Sunday.

And you know that for you, at least, it's not good enough. Because you're not fulfilled this way. You're empty, and your marriage is becoming a shell, and really. If the man can't stop fixating on his toys long enough to pay attention to what's really important, he's not a man at all. And as a woman, you need a man. Not a little boy.  Because although everybody needs a little me time, everybody also needs to not have to compete with a game for what's important.

Because sometimes you wake up scared in the night. And even though he's there, there's no one to turn to. And you worry for your children to the point of daily nausea, but there's no one to turn to. And you wonder if your death time is coming, but you can't talk to him. He's more worried about playing swords. And you've never felt more alone in your entire existence.

And you wish you had someone to talk to. And you even wonder if you're still pretty enough to have an affair.

But then think that in this double standard Western society, you're never going to find a man whose mother tempered him enough to be - well - a man.

And that makes you even lonelier. And black inside, so blue.

Spouses, if your other half is an abductee and they can't talk to you - the fault isn't necessarily theirs. It might be yours. You don't have to believe to be a good and loving partner. You just have to listen, be there, hug them, and interact. It's not hard.

At least, it's not as hard as losing them if you really do love them.