Now, this brings me back to an earlier point in my story. Anger can be very liberating and a very powerful force. I’ve faced people down who tried to make me angry on purpose just to get at what was within, and truth be told I don’t like to get angry. But Jill’s quick decision and subsequent dismissal of myself and my need was all it took.
I had the normal reaction. I and my friend ranted a while, appalled at Jill’s bent. Didn’t she listen when we had told her we’d done things together? We marveled. And that worked to steer me away from being too angry for a little while. But my friend had to go to sleep sooner or later, and so I was soon left to my own seething thoughts.
It was like a window opened in the back of my mind, and all of that light which used to surround the bus in my nightmares streamed forth. I remembered the dolls, my terror, and the years of loneliness and fear that still haven’t left me today. I remembered reading an article about how many abductees , especially those that have dealt with Greys, report stories almost identical to mine. And in that moment I realized those weren’t dreams. They were nightmares, yes. But of the waking kind.
A whole new understanding of my past fell into place. I did remember, to some extent. It just wasn’t what I hoped to remember.
So I told Jill what I remembered. I told her about Jennifer, my incubus, and most importantly the bright lights. Her tune changed after that.. she said she wished she could put me under hypnosis, to see if Jennifer’s birth was real, and to see what else I could remember. The three of us began to make plans on coming to her – she lived in Louisiana – to see what we could do.
And then, unfortunately, Jill took a paranoid turn on us. Before it was over, she was accusing my friend of sending squirrels to attack her. (I kid you not. Squirrels.) And there went another researcher.
But even so, I had made progress. Glorious progress . I knew about the soul snatchers now. Some of the information my guides had told me as a child was confirmed as well. I could go on feeling like I was leading a double and triple life – because chances are I was. And even though I didn’t get “deprogrammed” or hypnotized, I did get some information and a step to some answers.
I’ve since met other researchers, one of which was with MUFON. The MUFON researcher never took my story seriously and I soon had to separate myself from that environment, as it was a drain of money I just didn’t have. The other researcher went the way of Jill and the others before her: his life went to hell. But at least he didn’t go crazy. I’ve just realized researchers are fragile things. If I get too close their worlds go boom. So I don’t get too close anymore.
Instead, I am sometimes my own researcher. I owe Jill for pointing me in the right direction when no one else would. And I thank her for it.