Crash and Burn

This is a post I'd put on an Otherkin board I was once a member of. I'd remembered the day very clearly - more clearly than usual. Of course these days I think there was more to the exercise than it seems and I might have found where it happened. But I'm not sure yet.

In the vision I'm not even a teenager yet - I'm at that age where you think you're 16 when you're probably under 12. Or maybe you're 12.

I'm not changing the original writing, but "Kray'ahagh" is actually "Craig" - it just seemed more alien to put it that way at the time... and at the time I was trying very hard to present my memories as something not human. Because I and the others I talked to had decided they weren't human memories. It had to make sense that way.

But his name is Craig, and Craig is someone that seems to have always done things with me. Just like there's a Paul in my subconscious. Craig and Paul.

Crash and Burn
_____________
You had a smile that lit your sleepy face, cracked your cheeks with sunshine. A voice of pure silver, you sang with your tiny instrument (enhanced by tech, made musical sounds yet to be here), violet in your vest, a young bard fresh on your own, taught me to sing...

I wept for you on that bridge as your body sunk beneath the water, your sash floating up with the bubbles, and I wore pale blue that day, velvety threads, fur around my face, it was cold, rain... a circlet of silver on my brow, searing from the cold, the tears burning my cheeks, my lashes wet and sticking together. Blood on the bridge, icicling down, rain, a vain attempt to hide the evidence.

Terror. You were my first... My first, but surely not my last, and I wept. I wept. I was afraid and you were gone.

Where is your heart? I put your heart in a book and never realized what I had done.

Again, I stand on the bridge although I remind myself I am in America, year of the millennium, and that was long ago and far away... but the memory is new, and surely I have not thought of it my entire time on this planet. And so I stand on the bridge trying to remember how it happened. Kray'ahagh helped me hide you, throw you over the rail. The child was silent and pale, my velvet was wet, I was cold, I was shivering and exhausted. I was never very good with weather magic. And you have sunk below the murky depths, the river flows serenely onward, I watch your sash flow out of sight. Kraig turns and stomps stomps away, his boots squelch in the mud. I am left alone to keep the tale. Shhh, child, its a secret...

Bangs dripping between my eyes. Cold.

So You Could Say 2...

Getting back to the werewolf story: I ignored what I'd found and continued trying to act like where I was could be a healthy environment. But by the time the Halloween party came and went, I broke completely in half.


By then Fred's roommate, who I'll call Tee, had gotten herself a boyfriend. She'd met him on the internet, coaxed him up to visit, and stopped taking her pills to get pregnant by him. She had him trapped good. He was moving in, the works. Poor guy. He was afraid of people and living in general and had to be on medicine, but you know later he'd prove to be my only friend.

At the party, well, there was your typical bullshit from Tee. By then I'd lost my job as I'd described above and hadn't eaten in a week. All of the food I'd bought was saved for my daughter alone as I hunted for jobs daily - but being a single mother and having lost my job because of a babysitter quitting black-marked me and I couldn't find anything. I was running out of ideas to look.

Tee's boyfriend had said I could have a pizza from the upstairs freezer, and Tee started a fight with me about it at the party. I was so angry I just threw energy at her. It wasn't anything harmful: that sort of tantrum gets you nowhere. But it scared everyone there. They took my power seriously, more seriously than perhaps a sane person should. I mean really. A temper tantrum ball? That's not even real energy. That's like a toddler stamping their feet and screaming. Come on.

But these people overreacted about a lot of things that have nothing to do with this tale.

I can't remember the precise moment I broke. I just remember a particular story in my head that was always a background hum suddenly stopped humming. It got very loud and the feelings that came with it were intense. This story I always knew: I drew it as comics to myself even as a small child. There was me, a princess but also a slave, and I was the fastest flyer in the military academy. There was the love of my life, but he died somehow. And that was a long time ago, and I waited for karma to bring us back together again. It was a sweet story... when I was a kid. A full grown adult in a bad environment having a nervous breakdown from being picked at mentally for three months straight after years of life not giving her a break is something else. I kind of curled up in my blankets and cried all day. I only stirred to take care of my daughter. She'd go to school and I'd curl back up again.

Tee's boyfriend was a gentle and sweet person, and he saw from the outside what was happening to me. "Don't let them do this to you," he'd say to me. He came to me more than once trying to encourage me out of it, telling me how I'd been manipulated and hurt. He even braved going out of doors to take me to the local mental health clinic to try to get some help. But no one would see me. No one would take me seriously.

This is where the werewolf spell comes in. Yeah, all of that to set the scene. LOL. And the werewolf portion isn't even that much. It's just amusing to me. But that, again, will have to wait lest my posts get too long.
___

Ive been reading Bloodlines of the Illuminati by Fritz Springmeier for over a year now. I rarely get time to read for pleasure. It doesn't help that I feel like I've read it all before. I'm only on page 88 (eBook page, could be anywhere) and right now it's talking about the different family ruling clans. "The Rest of the Li Hong Kong Clan", etc.

Right now it reads like the genealogy reports in the Bible.

Understand, this information *is* important so I'm not knocking at it. As far as I personally am concerned reading these names isn't going to do me as much good. I don't notice people like that. You have to interact with me on more than one level. But it's okay because I know at least one of my others is reading it with me, and she soaks information up like a sponge. Sometimes she does it too much and I can't remember what I've read and I have to go back and read again. She's very observant and loves to learn about everything. If I can merge with her my capacity as a human would be increased a million fold. But she would have to be one of the last to merge.

Merging: I've been concentrating on merging myself on my own for years now. I do it here and there: I don't dare go too fast. That's part of what broke me when I was in NY. I ignored the advice "don't go too fast, trying to recover yourself" even though I was the one who said it the most and... crack! So now I keep to that. Here and there I'll look inside, find someone, and "eat" them.  Sometimes I can feel a change, sometimes I don't feel anything, sometimes I'll go "oh I forgot!"  It all depends.

Mostly I'm eating the "little people" though; no one "big".

But back to Springmeier's book: I find it real interesting he's talking about Red China. In my head China is the great no-no land. I made it a point to study Chinese in college. I picked up speaking it real easily. Can't read it to save my life so I had to drop out. But I dunno. China. The great red X, the dangerous land. The land of "no justice".

And so I'll keep reading. And if I see anything else of note I'll mention it here.

Project Avalon

New Year's Eve - last night. It's Monday, the day I try to spend doing research and putting things together. I stumbled across posts by a man claiming to be a super soldier, and this led me to the Project Avalon forum. The new one. Because finding places that talk about the MILAB scenario and super soldiers is rare, I put in to join their forum. This was hours before midnight.

I also emailed Anya Briggs in the hopes she has some information we can share but I'm not counting on her for anything.

I filled out their application as best I could. When I came to "what do you think you have to offer US" I just didn't know what to say. I never know what I have to offer in situations like that, and for fuck's sake it's a damn forum. So I simply said I don't know, that I didn't like to argue etc. I just like to give and help when I see opportunities, and you never know what sort of opportunity that will be.

Today I got their return letter in regards to my application. Before noon. Some information has been changed to project whatever.

____________________

"Dear ____,

Very many thanks for your interest to join the Project Avalon Forum.

Please excuse this generic letter. We receive a large number of applications, and simply don't have the manpower to write back to each applicant individually.

As we explained when you first notified us of your interest, we're accepting very few new members at the moment. But we did welcome your application.

Based on the information you gave us (and please bear in mind that this is all we know about you), we regret that we're not in a position to create a forum account for you at this time.

We do know that it is impossible to get to know someone thoroughly via a simple application form, and if you feel we have made a mistake or have misunderstood you, please write back to us at (fuckyou@projectavalon.net), and we'll be pleased to hear from you again.

With our personal regards,

- The Project Avalon Forum Staff"

_______________________________

Well.

By now I should be used to being pushed away by the others or being blocked at any chance to communicate and find the truth. I had a feeling as I filled out their application I wouldn't be allowed in - but the truth is I've had some bad experiences with forums, even when I kept my head down.

For example, there was this guy I took to be a friend who got off his meds and turned the entire board against me. (Stalked me for a while, too.) This was a psychic forum. Yeah. I was a demon when he was done, and there were people who jumped right in and helped him with that.

Then there was this other "starseed" forum that turned on my friend because she didn't want to turn against the humans and then turned against me even though I was keeping quiet. Etc. Ad puke infinitum.

I keep to myself very closely and rarely make contact with them because people have extreme reactions to my forward and direct nature. They either decide they really like me. Or they decide I'm a threat and don't like me - which I've always found confusing. Even if I know you're a fake I'm not prone to say anything and destroy your carefully built castle.  I'm no threat to anybody unless really pushed. And even then probably  not. So why push me?

"We get a large number of applications so we gotta send you a form letter" returned only a few hours after people typically get up actually says to me, "We have this form letter because we reject a lot of people and it's tiresome saying why over and over again." 

"But we did welcome your application" as part of the rejection really says "we saw it and we did kind of look it over, but we decided you don't belong here without knowing a fucking thing about you."

Maybe it's because I put on the application that I would post intermittently - which was the truth. Maybe they felt my quiet presence would be a problem. Nevermind that when I did have something thoughtful to say I would definitely have said it, would have strived to contribute deeply and fruitfully, and would have avoided flamewars like the plague.

Maybe it's because they asked if I was part of other forums and what was my screen name. I don't know if I'm part of those other forums anymore or not. I have tried to return to the one or two places on occasion but they've also purged their records and I don't like them enough to make new accounts. And I don't want another screen name. I like the one I use.

I dunno. Either way, it's your typical "fuck off" day in MILAB land with me doing the research and everything alone. Well, I roped my husband into helping me a bit this morning but he'd rather be playing video games. LOL.

Hey! total d'eja vous! I dreamed this! Now that's a positive note. I guess I was trying to warn myself or something. =^-^= 

Happy New Year.